You search for your space..and not by physicality but the inner space of your mind...unconquerd and inane.you travel..you read...you discover your inside out but still u fail to find that "space"...that nothingness in you ... the one which might kill you and at the same time keep u breathing...the one which is your strength as well your broken spine...the one which is both you and your alter ego....you try and search for it...and at the end u realise that all your life what you'v been searching is nothing but your real "self"...the energy that makes you and as well breaks you!
here one's "self" is discovered by the emptyness of many kinds...as a fathomless "space", a nondescriptive "thing"...as the literal meaning of "none" and by anything as casually described by an "it".
Its one's journey to discover himself!
...
Through an empty road
I look in for some space
funnier it may seem ...
as I try and find it "none"!
and I find myself in the sunshine
in the woods.. in the rain
in the morning glow of sun
till the midnight dawning lane
from the heavens to the earth
as i seek through the ends undone
funnier it may seem ...
as I try and find that 'none'!
In an empty room
I look in for some space
the nothingness crowds me deep in vain
as the lonesome falls again
from the church ... to the temple
from one sorrow... to another fun
funnier it may seem...
as I try and find that "none"
and how I sometimes fly like an eagle....
sometimes like a dove ..slow and fine
sometimes I swim deep in the ocean
all to look for that "thing" of mine.....
and how I drive the highways accross...
NYC via chicago ...to our own dilli roads
from the lightless lane..to that half echoed sound
that thing of mine ....is still nowhere to be found...
that last bus..and locals at night
that corner bar where no one fights
that scorching summer ... and winter nights
on empty sheets i search for my space.
in empty class rooms..on vacant chairs
in morning metros...to the last of few stairs
on flightless runways..to the hollow stares
at the ends of all... still I search for my space.
from the nothingness of the soul...to the holloring of my mind
from the lonely mornings ..to all the pleasures I dont find
from the earth beneath my feet...to the end of my vision
I search for the only.. the only space of mine.
....
and as I lie down
all perished and jaded
I search no more...for my time has come
and right amidst the half lived years
the half spent joys..and the incomplete selves
I see "it" mourning...for I failed to find
....for I failed to find the "self" of mine
In its enigma it holds me tight...
walks me careful, quite and safe
with an honour to my soul..and tears for my death
I see it walking me ...right till my grave!
....
...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Airtight!
A mamoth, a squirell , a tiger save a human child to its destiny......a plestanian boy calls the other to play football at the no mans land....a boyfriend jumps high enough to reach a bus window to hand his girlfriend a chocolate....a mother salutes to her dead son's martyr....and so many more.
yes we all have seen these "emotions"...again and again...some on television ... some in our lives...and we wonder...what makes our brain go suddenly for such a "brainless" activity, and i say brainless cause on all aspects one wouldnt do something like that on a normal given day.
hers again a story...like my other one's, something which may happen to many...its just that my emotions led me see them more deeply, and i share...so that you dont loose your last chance...as i did!
"why do u look like that?...as if ul kill me" i was questioned for i had the habit to look straight into the eyes of the person in context...I dont know if its with everybody..but if u really know a person i feel one has the power to look deeper than one wants to.....i actually damn cared to kill or to leave half dead, i never changed the way i looked untill i'd once seen which i never wanted to!
call me lucky but i always had people to sit and listen to me, it was always me who chose the one's i wanted to say something....my set of friends...my school...my network...and hopefully some fine day my work place as well....so i and jay were once sitting on the backyard of his old house and playing checkers....though we were not that kid....but we just happen to love that game since we were four. he was about to leave for his job or what should i say serving the country...it was pretty casual for me as by then..almost all my friends have moved out...i had the habit of realising the fact that now the time has come to walk "alone"....after the game we decided to have some coffee...fortunately he being the one to brew it....since filter was not my game!
his time was nearing up to leave for the station...after a two hours delay from the indian railways we were pretty much sure that after half and hour he'l be all set to go.....as we sat drinking that black "something".... he said something to himself with a chuckle
"mind talking?" i said
"nah, just feeling weird"... he had just one exclamation for evrythin on this planet...whatever din suit him was supposed to be weird! but he kept talking...and i let him...for i was sure we wont sit like this anymore and drink coffee...me still being in teens....he wont comeback for a longer time.
"you see this coffee...it tastes this good cause it has been worked upon for a longer time....zada mehenat lagi (more efforts were put)...and as u drink it slowly u realise that sooner or later the mug is going to be empty"
"so you having this empty mug feeling" by the look i knew it was a bad timing for a pathetic pj
"noh...im not feeling empty...im feeling overstuffed..overstuffed of everything that i havent let out till now.....theres so much to say...to so many people...but i aint got time...to baba...to ma...to evrybody"
it was time....we went outside...took a taxi and went to the station..since his parents were outstation i accompanied him....for something in me, told me...that he is really going to take a long time before i see him next .....
as he boarded the train he stood at the door looking below.. what?....i din know
"zada hero mat ban, go and take ur seat...il get back home safely" i joked
he kept standing at the door
the train started and he looked straight into my eyes "u remm i told u not to look like that...to people.....it was coz i was scared that someday you could read my mind"
he kept staring at me till the train moved off faster......."theres so much to stay" these words kept ringing in my ears again and again.....
since we shared a childhood friendship..there was no question that he tried conveying a deeper meaning or whatsoever...coz i being me...knew almost everything of him...his first smoke...drink...girl...and even dope!...there was no secret that he din share...it was different...there was something more...a void!
for the first time i was ashamed.....for i failed to read my best friends mind.....the train moved faster and faster..and he blurred into the thin air.... i failed to know him for the first and the last time!
jay never cameback....he got lost somewhere...into the crowds....for reasons which even those high profile military guys din tell us. we all waited for him for 4 years....untill i was sure that i knew what that look in his eyes meant! i realised that "something" in him knew that he wont get another chance to say how he felt for all of us.......it was the look which told me that he wont be there to sit and stare!............its just that i din want myself to believe....a loss was something which became more casual than i could take...by then i had lost on many and i din want to loose him.....but as i said...u never know with emotions...unless uv faced them death hard!
that was another of a summer morning ....when i went to his ma .... she was bussy with her home nitty grities when suddenly something punched me hard deep inside and i blurted..
"aunty, jay loved u very much" ...as i stared at her...i could see the same look...that same stare....that same void, that jay had....right on those stairs! and with all my trust..i know...that at that very moment she could read me of what i felt!
after that day we waited no more! ... coz we knew...jay was inside all of us.....weather he be dead or alive....he will be with us always! .... as love is something that we share, even when we do not exist!
that palestanian boy....that mother of a dead child and those innumerable people who want to convey the feeling of love through different emotions...have it in them...the feeling of unknown bonding..... way before they know themselves!
and now .... when i stare at masses...i see all those....who dont realise that they have the power to read millions even without listening once....i search for that single eye...which would stare back at me and give me my second chance...the one which i lost 5 years back!
the one which would never comeback!
P.s. the names are changed for reasons well known!
yes we all have seen these "emotions"...again and again...some on television ... some in our lives...and we wonder...what makes our brain go suddenly for such a "brainless" activity, and i say brainless cause on all aspects one wouldnt do something like that on a normal given day.
hers again a story...like my other one's, something which may happen to many...its just that my emotions led me see them more deeply, and i share...so that you dont loose your last chance...as i did!
"why do u look like that?...as if ul kill me" i was questioned for i had the habit to look straight into the eyes of the person in context...I dont know if its with everybody..but if u really know a person i feel one has the power to look deeper than one wants to.....i actually damn cared to kill or to leave half dead, i never changed the way i looked untill i'd once seen which i never wanted to!
call me lucky but i always had people to sit and listen to me, it was always me who chose the one's i wanted to say something....my set of friends...my school...my network...and hopefully some fine day my work place as well....so i and jay were once sitting on the backyard of his old house and playing checkers....though we were not that kid....but we just happen to love that game since we were four. he was about to leave for his job or what should i say serving the country...it was pretty casual for me as by then..almost all my friends have moved out...i had the habit of realising the fact that now the time has come to walk "alone"....after the game we decided to have some coffee...fortunately he being the one to brew it....since filter was not my game!
his time was nearing up to leave for the station...after a two hours delay from the indian railways we were pretty much sure that after half and hour he'l be all set to go.....as we sat drinking that black "something".... he said something to himself with a chuckle
"mind talking?" i said
"nah, just feeling weird"... he had just one exclamation for evrythin on this planet...whatever din suit him was supposed to be weird! but he kept talking...and i let him...for i was sure we wont sit like this anymore and drink coffee...me still being in teens....he wont comeback for a longer time.
"you see this coffee...it tastes this good cause it has been worked upon for a longer time....zada mehenat lagi (more efforts were put)...and as u drink it slowly u realise that sooner or later the mug is going to be empty"
"so you having this empty mug feeling" by the look i knew it was a bad timing for a pathetic pj
"noh...im not feeling empty...im feeling overstuffed..overstuffed of everything that i havent let out till now.....theres so much to say...to so many people...but i aint got time...to baba...to ma...to evrybody"
it was time....we went outside...took a taxi and went to the station..since his parents were outstation i accompanied him....for something in me, told me...that he is really going to take a long time before i see him next .....
as he boarded the train he stood at the door looking below.. what?....i din know
"zada hero mat ban, go and take ur seat...il get back home safely" i joked
he kept standing at the door
the train started and he looked straight into my eyes "u remm i told u not to look like that...to people.....it was coz i was scared that someday you could read my mind"
he kept staring at me till the train moved off faster......."theres so much to stay" these words kept ringing in my ears again and again.....
since we shared a childhood friendship..there was no question that he tried conveying a deeper meaning or whatsoever...coz i being me...knew almost everything of him...his first smoke...drink...girl...and even dope!...there was no secret that he din share...it was different...there was something more...a void!
for the first time i was ashamed.....for i failed to read my best friends mind.....the train moved faster and faster..and he blurred into the thin air.... i failed to know him for the first and the last time!
jay never cameback....he got lost somewhere...into the crowds....for reasons which even those high profile military guys din tell us. we all waited for him for 4 years....untill i was sure that i knew what that look in his eyes meant! i realised that "something" in him knew that he wont get another chance to say how he felt for all of us.......it was the look which told me that he wont be there to sit and stare!............its just that i din want myself to believe....a loss was something which became more casual than i could take...by then i had lost on many and i din want to loose him.....but as i said...u never know with emotions...unless uv faced them death hard!
that was another of a summer morning ....when i went to his ma .... she was bussy with her home nitty grities when suddenly something punched me hard deep inside and i blurted..
"aunty, jay loved u very much" ...as i stared at her...i could see the same look...that same stare....that same void, that jay had....right on those stairs! and with all my trust..i know...that at that very moment she could read me of what i felt!
after that day we waited no more! ... coz we knew...jay was inside all of us.....weather he be dead or alive....he will be with us always! .... as love is something that we share, even when we do not exist!
that palestanian boy....that mother of a dead child and those innumerable people who want to convey the feeling of love through different emotions...have it in them...the feeling of unknown bonding..... way before they know themselves!
and now .... when i stare at masses...i see all those....who dont realise that they have the power to read millions even without listening once....i search for that single eye...which would stare back at me and give me my second chance...the one which i lost 5 years back!
the one which would never comeback!
P.s. the names are changed for reasons well known!
Friday, December 14, 2007
A Falcon's Fly
My sister was in class second when she was told to speak something about me…a school elocution competition…where she hardly managed to spurt out a single sentence…reason she din sleep for the past 48 hours, as I was born … but managed to receive the loudest applause amongst all other competitors….
“my sister is a treasure box, with lots and lots of “nice nice” things for me”
The whole crowd first laughed at her for 15 minutes when the teacher announced her failure to continue the speech as she din have any idea of what to speak about “something” which is few hours old… and then clapped for the rest of the 15 minutes.
Why’d they laughed she still fails to understand and why’d they clapped ..well, guess she has come to know about it after 21 years.
When my dad asked her , from where did she managed to say something which has dropped her into an overnight fame; her reply was…. ”papa you only said she is a gift to me, aint she?”
Well she was right for at least one thing. I am a treasure box stuffed with many precious “things”, and she being one.
But this isn’t about her, this is about someone else who equally belongs to the same league of stuffs…we cal her fondly mad!
I remember I was overtly fused up with my eleventh standard school exams when she dashed into my home with a loud noise….”happy birthday darling” … well I surely din find any big gift following her so I was pretty sure she had just come to wish me “without a gift”…anyway, in a morbid tone I managed to fake a thank you smile…for I being very much drowned into my math paper!....she sat, chatted with the other people and in between sighed a sympathetic smile for I had to study on my birthday…as she was about to leave she bumped into my room…went to my mirror and stuck something right on top of it…a paper note…and said “isko nikalna nai, samjhi”..(don’t take it off.okay)…I was relieved when she finally took leave…for then I could study peacefully…surely when I was young “we din gel well”…so I hardly bothered to read what she stuck at that mirror of mine. As the next day I was rushing for school for my exams …I saw what she stuck ...it was written bold and clear with a red ink.
“No matter where u are...or what u do…il be always there for u”
A sudden rush of guilt plunged through me, as soon as I came back from school I rushed to see her…but she was already gone…to join her new job as an economist at one of the biggest banks in India”…I felt ashamed and sad…for something in me knew that what she had written write at that piece of paper…she actually meant it.
Years passed… I grew up to be in college and due to some work I had to rush to Bombay for some family deeds…. It was again she helping me…to let me stayed at her place… as I entered I could see the same glowing face welcoming me as if I was the only sister..only friend…only guest she ever had. We went for midnight buffets… stop-at-snack-bar luncheons….home delivered pizzas and long long hours chats…suddenly there was a different dimension of relation that we shared…way more than that of a little sister and an elder one…something of being friends…and mostly like what a woman shares to a woman… may be I grew up. On the day I was about to return we went for a morning drive….fortunately the day was way different from usual Bombay days…clouds were lowering…we went to bandstand….walked…felt the cold mist …listened to good music. and had coffee at barista…when I was about to get up for the car…she held my hand and said…
”u know baby…I came to see you when u were born…I was there when ur sister blurted out that infamous line about you….and today I see that you are actually a treasure box to us…coz not only u are the little sister I never had… but one of my best friends I will ever have”
For a second I felt like crying…as of my 20 years I din think of her anything more than my best friends elder sister….she always came "after" somebody….after her brother..after her mother…as they were more important to me “till then”…but as I stood that day in the middle of cold winter morning that same guilt of mine…hugged me hard.
The feeling was same…as yesterday I stood all decked up to attend her wedding…clouds enveloped my city and the mist same as that day….almost one can feel it!...at the end of all's I returned from her wedding the next morning…I stepped inside my room and I saw the loosely hanged paper note from the top of my mirror…
I stood reading it for almost half an hour…realizing all that I had never told her…and would never get a chance again….
Realizing that there might not be another person to hold my hand and say that Im special.
Realizing that I might never get to say that “no matter where you are, what you do…il be there for you”
Realizing that she was one of the most important keys to my treasure box.
“Sometimes you realize what u had when u actually seize to have it”.
And today when she flew off to some far lands….happy, more than she ever was…here are the innumerable fragments of me that went away with her…that guilt which I felt five years back…that friendship that we shared at bandstand…and that unknown bonding that we had till date!
Maybe one fine day…I’l get to tell her that all her home made cakes….her drives..her cares…have shaped me what I am today…and made me another of her part…an another of a “mad”.
Cheers to her and her happy life!
“my sister is a treasure box, with lots and lots of “nice nice” things for me”
The whole crowd first laughed at her for 15 minutes when the teacher announced her failure to continue the speech as she din have any idea of what to speak about “something” which is few hours old… and then clapped for the rest of the 15 minutes.
Why’d they laughed she still fails to understand and why’d they clapped ..well, guess she has come to know about it after 21 years.
When my dad asked her , from where did she managed to say something which has dropped her into an overnight fame; her reply was…. ”papa you only said she is a gift to me, aint she?”
Well she was right for at least one thing. I am a treasure box stuffed with many precious “things”, and she being one.
But this isn’t about her, this is about someone else who equally belongs to the same league of stuffs…we cal her fondly mad!
I remember I was overtly fused up with my eleventh standard school exams when she dashed into my home with a loud noise….”happy birthday darling” … well I surely din find any big gift following her so I was pretty sure she had just come to wish me “without a gift”…anyway, in a morbid tone I managed to fake a thank you smile…for I being very much drowned into my math paper!....she sat, chatted with the other people and in between sighed a sympathetic smile for I had to study on my birthday…as she was about to leave she bumped into my room…went to my mirror and stuck something right on top of it…a paper note…and said “isko nikalna nai, samjhi”..(don’t take it off.okay)…I was relieved when she finally took leave…for then I could study peacefully…surely when I was young “we din gel well”…so I hardly bothered to read what she stuck at that mirror of mine. As the next day I was rushing for school for my exams …I saw what she stuck ...it was written bold and clear with a red ink.
“No matter where u are...or what u do…il be always there for u”
A sudden rush of guilt plunged through me, as soon as I came back from school I rushed to see her…but she was already gone…to join her new job as an economist at one of the biggest banks in India”…I felt ashamed and sad…for something in me knew that what she had written write at that piece of paper…she actually meant it.
Years passed… I grew up to be in college and due to some work I had to rush to Bombay for some family deeds…. It was again she helping me…to let me stayed at her place… as I entered I could see the same glowing face welcoming me as if I was the only sister..only friend…only guest she ever had. We went for midnight buffets… stop-at-snack-bar luncheons….home delivered pizzas and long long hours chats…suddenly there was a different dimension of relation that we shared…way more than that of a little sister and an elder one…something of being friends…and mostly like what a woman shares to a woman… may be I grew up. On the day I was about to return we went for a morning drive….fortunately the day was way different from usual Bombay days…clouds were lowering…we went to bandstand….walked…felt the cold mist …listened to good music. and had coffee at barista…when I was about to get up for the car…she held my hand and said…
”u know baby…I came to see you when u were born…I was there when ur sister blurted out that infamous line about you….and today I see that you are actually a treasure box to us…coz not only u are the little sister I never had… but one of my best friends I will ever have”
For a second I felt like crying…as of my 20 years I din think of her anything more than my best friends elder sister….she always came "after" somebody….after her brother..after her mother…as they were more important to me “till then”…but as I stood that day in the middle of cold winter morning that same guilt of mine…hugged me hard.
The feeling was same…as yesterday I stood all decked up to attend her wedding…clouds enveloped my city and the mist same as that day….almost one can feel it!...at the end of all's I returned from her wedding the next morning…I stepped inside my room and I saw the loosely hanged paper note from the top of my mirror…
I stood reading it for almost half an hour…realizing all that I had never told her…and would never get a chance again….
Realizing that there might not be another person to hold my hand and say that Im special.
Realizing that I might never get to say that “no matter where you are, what you do…il be there for you”
Realizing that she was one of the most important keys to my treasure box.
“Sometimes you realize what u had when u actually seize to have it”.
And today when she flew off to some far lands….happy, more than she ever was…here are the innumerable fragments of me that went away with her…that guilt which I felt five years back…that friendship that we shared at bandstand…and that unknown bonding that we had till date!
Maybe one fine day…I’l get to tell her that all her home made cakes….her drives..her cares…have shaped me what I am today…and made me another of her part…an another of a “mad”.
Cheers to her and her happy life!
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