In the temple of my heart...

Something happened two days back, something which I can call as one of the biggest days of my life. No, I didn’t achieve any thing neither did I lose. May be I just realized few things or may be I just lived myself for that day!

I went for an interview for one of the MBA colleges. No, that wasn’t big enough to make that day great. It was usual, I was anxious as everybody else was, I was nervous for somehow I did not “fit” in there. But I guess nobody “fitted” there, everybody just tried to fix in. so all the while I waited for my interview call, a girl sat beside me for she was slated to go right after me in the same panel. And we had a conversation, something like this…

Girl: Hi, you look nervous!
I: Do I? But I don’t feel so J (A fake smile)
Girl: so are you prepared?
I: well (pause), No
Girl: (looking absurdly) okay, but then I guess you must be confident J
I: well (pause), No
Girl: (could hardly fake a smile) I hope you make it!
I: You do? Really? (God knows why the hell I asked that question)
Girl: (just a smile this time)
I: I don’t thing anybody out here wants anybody else to “make in”
Girl: (as if watching a deaf man talking), All the best!
I: Thank you (I forgot to wish her back, didn’t know whether I really wanted to!!)


I was called in, was thrown up with few uncomfortable questions or rather few questions which I couldn’t answer. I messed up, for all the time I wasn’t given the time for answering. I wished if I could somehow tell that person that I have come here to show you what I’m made off, my parents back thousand miles pray for me, my close friends are worried about me and here I am losing my chance just to talk! My interview was over and I walked out. For the first time I was walking out of something demoralized, weird and coy.

As I picked up my bag, my cell buzzed…
An old friend of mine (with whom I had practically no contact since past four years after school) messaged me

“Hey miss sunshine, how’s you. I came to know that this is your the big day
So just go and do it babe… show them what you are made up off.
Yours
Tichchy”

I kept my cell back, started walking off the corridor and I realized that since this morning, there was no single time that I was pretentious. I didn’t fake; I didn’t try and act smart. I realized that when I didn’t wish that girl sitting by my side good luck it was because I didn’t want to. I realized that my interview was not good, because may be I’m not that good.
And may be its time I realize that all those people who prayed for me, wished me from far lands just so that I make it big. I might actually not deserve it. I was feeling low and was being intolerant. I called back at that number from which tichchy messaged me.
After a long time someone picked up
She was over enthusiastic when she heard me; she hoped that I did perform real good…
Since we were talking almost after 4 years, it was something great for both of us. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I messed it up. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I may not be that good. So I kept the phone down and messaged her…

“yar I tried telling you…that I didn’t perform well inside. Thanks that you took the initiative to know about me, what I’m doing, where I am…after such a long time. But I guess I’ll have to let u guys down. I just didn’t do well. I wasn’t that smart to fake out answers which I could easily do at some place else. I just didn’t try to be somebody else and may be that’s why it didn’t go well”

She didn’t call back, may be coz she knew me better than I did myself…she just wrote

“Babe, you know what’s best. That you had the courage to face something which you did know is going wrong…and I’m sure just like our old days… you come down to your real self when things go harder. Don’t worry babes. You were great, may be not for those guys but for yourself, for us. Because you, were just you. And don’t you worry about us. We were. We are and we will be proud of you. Not because some certain interview you messed up, but because you were strong to learn that you were not good”

I was walking with my friend back to the outside gates and I was watching all those people, who were trying to be somebody else, trying to be their best, trying to outsmart the person sitting right besides them. They all were ‘trying’ to dig deep inside and find their own sunshine. And when they realize that they don’t have it, they tried faking it. Every single person around me was masking something or the other, my friend did, that girl out there did and may be I did till the moment I stepped inside that corridor and now I was walking out of it. But for the first time I dared to be myself, no matter how much weird, rude, illogical or dumb I was. I was just myself.
I might have lost the chance to be somebody and win the bet. I didn’t and I don’t know why.
Something struck me, that of everything I’m made off; I won’t be a farce like the rest hundred. I won’t be jealous of someone for she can fake better than me. I won’t be a pseudo namesake. I’ll be what I am and may be someday I’ll win the game just being who I am. May be someday I wont have to “think” of an answer when I would be asked what I want to be. May be someday I wont have to be a floated balloon which will burst into its miniscule with just a pin prick. May be someday I’ll be my own god.

I don’t know whether I’ll pass or fail that interview test. But I certainly know that I can be myself even when I’ll be dead because of it. I certainly know that deep down south of my heart I have that burning sunshine.

Somewhere I read

“To be visible, just burn your self”

Now I certainly know that I’m proud of myself for what I am, beyond success…beyond failures!