You search for your space..and not by physicality but the inner space of your mind...unconquerd and inane.you travel..you read...you discover your inside out but still u fail to find that "space"...that nothingness in you ... the one which might kill you and at the same time keep u breathing...the one which is your strength as well your broken spine...the one which is both you and your alter ego....you try and search for it...and at the end u realise that all your life what you'v been searching is nothing but your real "self"...the energy that makes you and as well breaks you!
here one's "self" is discovered by the emptyness of many kinds...as a fathomless "space", a nondescriptive "thing"...as the literal meaning of "none" and by anything as casually described by an "it".
Its one's journey to discover himself!
...
Through an empty road
I look in for some space
funnier it may seem ...
as I try and find it "none"!
and I find myself in the sunshine
in the woods.. in the rain
in the morning glow of sun
till the midnight dawning lane
from the heavens to the earth
as i seek through the ends undone
funnier it may seem ...
as I try and find that 'none'!
In an empty room
I look in for some space
the nothingness crowds me deep in vain
as the lonesome falls again
from the church ... to the temple
from one sorrow... to another fun
funnier it may seem...
as I try and find that "none"
and how I sometimes fly like an eagle....
sometimes like a dove ..slow and fine
sometimes I swim deep in the ocean
all to look for that "thing" of mine.....
and how I drive the highways accross...
NYC via chicago ...to our own dilli roads
from the lightless lane..to that half echoed sound
that thing of mine ....is still nowhere to be found...
that last bus..and locals at night
that corner bar where no one fights
that scorching summer ... and winter nights
on empty sheets i search for my space.
in empty class rooms..on vacant chairs
in morning metros...to the last of few stairs
on flightless runways..to the hollow stares
at the ends of all... still I search for my space.
from the nothingness of the soul...to the holloring of my mind
from the lonely mornings ..to all the pleasures I dont find
from the earth beneath my feet...to the end of my vision
I search for the only.. the only space of mine.
....
and as I lie down
all perished and jaded
I search no more...for my time has come
and right amidst the half lived years
the half spent joys..and the incomplete selves
I see "it" mourning...for I failed to find
....for I failed to find the "self" of mine
In its enigma it holds me tight...
walks me careful, quite and safe
with an honour to my soul..and tears for my death
I see it walking me ...right till my grave!
....
...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
Airtight!
A mamoth, a squirell , a tiger save a human child to its destiny......a plestanian boy calls the other to play football at the no mans land....a boyfriend jumps high enough to reach a bus window to hand his girlfriend a chocolate....a mother salutes to her dead son's martyr....and so many more.
yes we all have seen these "emotions"...again and again...some on television ... some in our lives...and we wonder...what makes our brain go suddenly for such a "brainless" activity, and i say brainless cause on all aspects one wouldnt do something like that on a normal given day.
hers again a story...like my other one's, something which may happen to many...its just that my emotions led me see them more deeply, and i share...so that you dont loose your last chance...as i did!
"why do u look like that?...as if ul kill me" i was questioned for i had the habit to look straight into the eyes of the person in context...I dont know if its with everybody..but if u really know a person i feel one has the power to look deeper than one wants to.....i actually damn cared to kill or to leave half dead, i never changed the way i looked untill i'd once seen which i never wanted to!
call me lucky but i always had people to sit and listen to me, it was always me who chose the one's i wanted to say something....my set of friends...my school...my network...and hopefully some fine day my work place as well....so i and jay were once sitting on the backyard of his old house and playing checkers....though we were not that kid....but we just happen to love that game since we were four. he was about to leave for his job or what should i say serving the country...it was pretty casual for me as by then..almost all my friends have moved out...i had the habit of realising the fact that now the time has come to walk "alone"....after the game we decided to have some coffee...fortunately he being the one to brew it....since filter was not my game!
his time was nearing up to leave for the station...after a two hours delay from the indian railways we were pretty much sure that after half and hour he'l be all set to go.....as we sat drinking that black "something".... he said something to himself with a chuckle
"mind talking?" i said
"nah, just feeling weird"... he had just one exclamation for evrythin on this planet...whatever din suit him was supposed to be weird! but he kept talking...and i let him...for i was sure we wont sit like this anymore and drink coffee...me still being in teens....he wont comeback for a longer time.
"you see this coffee...it tastes this good cause it has been worked upon for a longer time....zada mehenat lagi (more efforts were put)...and as u drink it slowly u realise that sooner or later the mug is going to be empty"
"so you having this empty mug feeling" by the look i knew it was a bad timing for a pathetic pj
"noh...im not feeling empty...im feeling overstuffed..overstuffed of everything that i havent let out till now.....theres so much to say...to so many people...but i aint got time...to baba...to ma...to evrybody"
it was time....we went outside...took a taxi and went to the station..since his parents were outstation i accompanied him....for something in me, told me...that he is really going to take a long time before i see him next .....
as he boarded the train he stood at the door looking below.. what?....i din know
"zada hero mat ban, go and take ur seat...il get back home safely" i joked
he kept standing at the door
the train started and he looked straight into my eyes "u remm i told u not to look like that...to people.....it was coz i was scared that someday you could read my mind"
he kept staring at me till the train moved off faster......."theres so much to stay" these words kept ringing in my ears again and again.....
since we shared a childhood friendship..there was no question that he tried conveying a deeper meaning or whatsoever...coz i being me...knew almost everything of him...his first smoke...drink...girl...and even dope!...there was no secret that he din share...it was different...there was something more...a void!
for the first time i was ashamed.....for i failed to read my best friends mind.....the train moved faster and faster..and he blurred into the thin air.... i failed to know him for the first and the last time!
jay never cameback....he got lost somewhere...into the crowds....for reasons which even those high profile military guys din tell us. we all waited for him for 4 years....untill i was sure that i knew what that look in his eyes meant! i realised that "something" in him knew that he wont get another chance to say how he felt for all of us.......it was the look which told me that he wont be there to sit and stare!............its just that i din want myself to believe....a loss was something which became more casual than i could take...by then i had lost on many and i din want to loose him.....but as i said...u never know with emotions...unless uv faced them death hard!
that was another of a summer morning ....when i went to his ma .... she was bussy with her home nitty grities when suddenly something punched me hard deep inside and i blurted..
"aunty, jay loved u very much" ...as i stared at her...i could see the same look...that same stare....that same void, that jay had....right on those stairs! and with all my trust..i know...that at that very moment she could read me of what i felt!
after that day we waited no more! ... coz we knew...jay was inside all of us.....weather he be dead or alive....he will be with us always! .... as love is something that we share, even when we do not exist!
that palestanian boy....that mother of a dead child and those innumerable people who want to convey the feeling of love through different emotions...have it in them...the feeling of unknown bonding..... way before they know themselves!
and now .... when i stare at masses...i see all those....who dont realise that they have the power to read millions even without listening once....i search for that single eye...which would stare back at me and give me my second chance...the one which i lost 5 years back!
the one which would never comeback!
P.s. the names are changed for reasons well known!
yes we all have seen these "emotions"...again and again...some on television ... some in our lives...and we wonder...what makes our brain go suddenly for such a "brainless" activity, and i say brainless cause on all aspects one wouldnt do something like that on a normal given day.
hers again a story...like my other one's, something which may happen to many...its just that my emotions led me see them more deeply, and i share...so that you dont loose your last chance...as i did!
"why do u look like that?...as if ul kill me" i was questioned for i had the habit to look straight into the eyes of the person in context...I dont know if its with everybody..but if u really know a person i feel one has the power to look deeper than one wants to.....i actually damn cared to kill or to leave half dead, i never changed the way i looked untill i'd once seen which i never wanted to!
call me lucky but i always had people to sit and listen to me, it was always me who chose the one's i wanted to say something....my set of friends...my school...my network...and hopefully some fine day my work place as well....so i and jay were once sitting on the backyard of his old house and playing checkers....though we were not that kid....but we just happen to love that game since we were four. he was about to leave for his job or what should i say serving the country...it was pretty casual for me as by then..almost all my friends have moved out...i had the habit of realising the fact that now the time has come to walk "alone"....after the game we decided to have some coffee...fortunately he being the one to brew it....since filter was not my game!
his time was nearing up to leave for the station...after a two hours delay from the indian railways we were pretty much sure that after half and hour he'l be all set to go.....as we sat drinking that black "something".... he said something to himself with a chuckle
"mind talking?" i said
"nah, just feeling weird"... he had just one exclamation for evrythin on this planet...whatever din suit him was supposed to be weird! but he kept talking...and i let him...for i was sure we wont sit like this anymore and drink coffee...me still being in teens....he wont comeback for a longer time.
"you see this coffee...it tastes this good cause it has been worked upon for a longer time....zada mehenat lagi (more efforts were put)...and as u drink it slowly u realise that sooner or later the mug is going to be empty"
"so you having this empty mug feeling" by the look i knew it was a bad timing for a pathetic pj
"noh...im not feeling empty...im feeling overstuffed..overstuffed of everything that i havent let out till now.....theres so much to say...to so many people...but i aint got time...to baba...to ma...to evrybody"
it was time....we went outside...took a taxi and went to the station..since his parents were outstation i accompanied him....for something in me, told me...that he is really going to take a long time before i see him next .....
as he boarded the train he stood at the door looking below.. what?....i din know
"zada hero mat ban, go and take ur seat...il get back home safely" i joked
he kept standing at the door
the train started and he looked straight into my eyes "u remm i told u not to look like that...to people.....it was coz i was scared that someday you could read my mind"
he kept staring at me till the train moved off faster......."theres so much to stay" these words kept ringing in my ears again and again.....
since we shared a childhood friendship..there was no question that he tried conveying a deeper meaning or whatsoever...coz i being me...knew almost everything of him...his first smoke...drink...girl...and even dope!...there was no secret that he din share...it was different...there was something more...a void!
for the first time i was ashamed.....for i failed to read my best friends mind.....the train moved faster and faster..and he blurred into the thin air.... i failed to know him for the first and the last time!
jay never cameback....he got lost somewhere...into the crowds....for reasons which even those high profile military guys din tell us. we all waited for him for 4 years....untill i was sure that i knew what that look in his eyes meant! i realised that "something" in him knew that he wont get another chance to say how he felt for all of us.......it was the look which told me that he wont be there to sit and stare!............its just that i din want myself to believe....a loss was something which became more casual than i could take...by then i had lost on many and i din want to loose him.....but as i said...u never know with emotions...unless uv faced them death hard!
that was another of a summer morning ....when i went to his ma .... she was bussy with her home nitty grities when suddenly something punched me hard deep inside and i blurted..
"aunty, jay loved u very much" ...as i stared at her...i could see the same look...that same stare....that same void, that jay had....right on those stairs! and with all my trust..i know...that at that very moment she could read me of what i felt!
after that day we waited no more! ... coz we knew...jay was inside all of us.....weather he be dead or alive....he will be with us always! .... as love is something that we share, even when we do not exist!
that palestanian boy....that mother of a dead child and those innumerable people who want to convey the feeling of love through different emotions...have it in them...the feeling of unknown bonding..... way before they know themselves!
and now .... when i stare at masses...i see all those....who dont realise that they have the power to read millions even without listening once....i search for that single eye...which would stare back at me and give me my second chance...the one which i lost 5 years back!
the one which would never comeback!
P.s. the names are changed for reasons well known!
Friday, December 14, 2007
A Falcon's Fly
My sister was in class second when she was told to speak something about me…a school elocution competition…where she hardly managed to spurt out a single sentence…reason she din sleep for the past 48 hours, as I was born … but managed to receive the loudest applause amongst all other competitors….
“my sister is a treasure box, with lots and lots of “nice nice” things for me”
The whole crowd first laughed at her for 15 minutes when the teacher announced her failure to continue the speech as she din have any idea of what to speak about “something” which is few hours old… and then clapped for the rest of the 15 minutes.
Why’d they laughed she still fails to understand and why’d they clapped ..well, guess she has come to know about it after 21 years.
When my dad asked her , from where did she managed to say something which has dropped her into an overnight fame; her reply was…. ”papa you only said she is a gift to me, aint she?”
Well she was right for at least one thing. I am a treasure box stuffed with many precious “things”, and she being one.
But this isn’t about her, this is about someone else who equally belongs to the same league of stuffs…we cal her fondly mad!
I remember I was overtly fused up with my eleventh standard school exams when she dashed into my home with a loud noise….”happy birthday darling” … well I surely din find any big gift following her so I was pretty sure she had just come to wish me “without a gift”…anyway, in a morbid tone I managed to fake a thank you smile…for I being very much drowned into my math paper!....she sat, chatted with the other people and in between sighed a sympathetic smile for I had to study on my birthday…as she was about to leave she bumped into my room…went to my mirror and stuck something right on top of it…a paper note…and said “isko nikalna nai, samjhi”..(don’t take it off.okay)…I was relieved when she finally took leave…for then I could study peacefully…surely when I was young “we din gel well”…so I hardly bothered to read what she stuck at that mirror of mine. As the next day I was rushing for school for my exams …I saw what she stuck ...it was written bold and clear with a red ink.
“No matter where u are...or what u do…il be always there for u”
A sudden rush of guilt plunged through me, as soon as I came back from school I rushed to see her…but she was already gone…to join her new job as an economist at one of the biggest banks in India”…I felt ashamed and sad…for something in me knew that what she had written write at that piece of paper…she actually meant it.
Years passed… I grew up to be in college and due to some work I had to rush to Bombay for some family deeds…. It was again she helping me…to let me stayed at her place… as I entered I could see the same glowing face welcoming me as if I was the only sister..only friend…only guest she ever had. We went for midnight buffets… stop-at-snack-bar luncheons….home delivered pizzas and long long hours chats…suddenly there was a different dimension of relation that we shared…way more than that of a little sister and an elder one…something of being friends…and mostly like what a woman shares to a woman… may be I grew up. On the day I was about to return we went for a morning drive….fortunately the day was way different from usual Bombay days…clouds were lowering…we went to bandstand….walked…felt the cold mist …listened to good music. and had coffee at barista…when I was about to get up for the car…she held my hand and said…
”u know baby…I came to see you when u were born…I was there when ur sister blurted out that infamous line about you….and today I see that you are actually a treasure box to us…coz not only u are the little sister I never had… but one of my best friends I will ever have”
For a second I felt like crying…as of my 20 years I din think of her anything more than my best friends elder sister….she always came "after" somebody….after her brother..after her mother…as they were more important to me “till then”…but as I stood that day in the middle of cold winter morning that same guilt of mine…hugged me hard.
The feeling was same…as yesterday I stood all decked up to attend her wedding…clouds enveloped my city and the mist same as that day….almost one can feel it!...at the end of all's I returned from her wedding the next morning…I stepped inside my room and I saw the loosely hanged paper note from the top of my mirror…
I stood reading it for almost half an hour…realizing all that I had never told her…and would never get a chance again….
Realizing that there might not be another person to hold my hand and say that Im special.
Realizing that I might never get to say that “no matter where you are, what you do…il be there for you”
Realizing that she was one of the most important keys to my treasure box.
“Sometimes you realize what u had when u actually seize to have it”.
And today when she flew off to some far lands….happy, more than she ever was…here are the innumerable fragments of me that went away with her…that guilt which I felt five years back…that friendship that we shared at bandstand…and that unknown bonding that we had till date!
Maybe one fine day…I’l get to tell her that all her home made cakes….her drives..her cares…have shaped me what I am today…and made me another of her part…an another of a “mad”.
Cheers to her and her happy life!
“my sister is a treasure box, with lots and lots of “nice nice” things for me”
The whole crowd first laughed at her for 15 minutes when the teacher announced her failure to continue the speech as she din have any idea of what to speak about “something” which is few hours old… and then clapped for the rest of the 15 minutes.
Why’d they laughed she still fails to understand and why’d they clapped ..well, guess she has come to know about it after 21 years.
When my dad asked her , from where did she managed to say something which has dropped her into an overnight fame; her reply was…. ”papa you only said she is a gift to me, aint she?”
Well she was right for at least one thing. I am a treasure box stuffed with many precious “things”, and she being one.
But this isn’t about her, this is about someone else who equally belongs to the same league of stuffs…we cal her fondly mad!
I remember I was overtly fused up with my eleventh standard school exams when she dashed into my home with a loud noise….”happy birthday darling” … well I surely din find any big gift following her so I was pretty sure she had just come to wish me “without a gift”…anyway, in a morbid tone I managed to fake a thank you smile…for I being very much drowned into my math paper!....she sat, chatted with the other people and in between sighed a sympathetic smile for I had to study on my birthday…as she was about to leave she bumped into my room…went to my mirror and stuck something right on top of it…a paper note…and said “isko nikalna nai, samjhi”..(don’t take it off.okay)…I was relieved when she finally took leave…for then I could study peacefully…surely when I was young “we din gel well”…so I hardly bothered to read what she stuck at that mirror of mine. As the next day I was rushing for school for my exams …I saw what she stuck ...it was written bold and clear with a red ink.
“No matter where u are...or what u do…il be always there for u”
A sudden rush of guilt plunged through me, as soon as I came back from school I rushed to see her…but she was already gone…to join her new job as an economist at one of the biggest banks in India”…I felt ashamed and sad…for something in me knew that what she had written write at that piece of paper…she actually meant it.
Years passed… I grew up to be in college and due to some work I had to rush to Bombay for some family deeds…. It was again she helping me…to let me stayed at her place… as I entered I could see the same glowing face welcoming me as if I was the only sister..only friend…only guest she ever had. We went for midnight buffets… stop-at-snack-bar luncheons….home delivered pizzas and long long hours chats…suddenly there was a different dimension of relation that we shared…way more than that of a little sister and an elder one…something of being friends…and mostly like what a woman shares to a woman… may be I grew up. On the day I was about to return we went for a morning drive….fortunately the day was way different from usual Bombay days…clouds were lowering…we went to bandstand….walked…felt the cold mist …listened to good music. and had coffee at barista…when I was about to get up for the car…she held my hand and said…
”u know baby…I came to see you when u were born…I was there when ur sister blurted out that infamous line about you….and today I see that you are actually a treasure box to us…coz not only u are the little sister I never had… but one of my best friends I will ever have”
For a second I felt like crying…as of my 20 years I din think of her anything more than my best friends elder sister….she always came "after" somebody….after her brother..after her mother…as they were more important to me “till then”…but as I stood that day in the middle of cold winter morning that same guilt of mine…hugged me hard.
The feeling was same…as yesterday I stood all decked up to attend her wedding…clouds enveloped my city and the mist same as that day….almost one can feel it!...at the end of all's I returned from her wedding the next morning…I stepped inside my room and I saw the loosely hanged paper note from the top of my mirror…
I stood reading it for almost half an hour…realizing all that I had never told her…and would never get a chance again….
Realizing that there might not be another person to hold my hand and say that Im special.
Realizing that I might never get to say that “no matter where you are, what you do…il be there for you”
Realizing that she was one of the most important keys to my treasure box.
“Sometimes you realize what u had when u actually seize to have it”.
And today when she flew off to some far lands….happy, more than she ever was…here are the innumerable fragments of me that went away with her…that guilt which I felt five years back…that friendship that we shared at bandstand…and that unknown bonding that we had till date!
Maybe one fine day…I’l get to tell her that all her home made cakes….her drives..her cares…have shaped me what I am today…and made me another of her part…an another of a “mad”.
Cheers to her and her happy life!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Faith!
"Faith is stronger than ur conviction"
Long back I had an argument with somone as to why don't I trust people..certainly even I wasn't sure why? for as far as trust is concerned I believe i had it on just 7 people in these 20 years and amongst those 7, the first one was me on any day. I retaliated "I do trust people..its just that I dont have faith on them"...."so whats the difference anyway?"..My addled brain went more flopsy... and I decided to be on a no trust mode untill i'd found what is faith!
yes there is a difference and a stark one. yesterday one of my colleagues at the newspaper agency called up and we spoke about the confusion thats presently hangling around nandigram. We decided we'l meet over a coffee and discuss about the article that has to be on print.
As we sat over a coffee...she narrated a clip scene from nandigram over which my article was to be writen.
"An eight year old girl(bali)...was trapped behind a burning bus..the local commotionist were on a random scurrage to burn and kill people, neverthless of their age and gender....(anybody above twelve was handed a gun to patrol...cause- he should be a localite and he should be a male..and any girl below twelve was either massacred along with her family or if she is over twelve she is raped and then murdered!) ...a local boy(16 years) watching from a distance ran to help the girl ... he was her neighbour... as he stood over the bus top..shoved away the gun and gave the girl his right hand so that she can hold it.....the girl replied "ab bharosa nai hai" (I dont have faith in you)...the boy not being able to decide what to do bent down to the possiblity of gripping her....the girl backed off...as soon as the boy jumped behind to pull her out...the state transport bus blew into pieces...burning them to ashes." all of this was filmed accidently by a fallen camera ..which presently happens to be the red witness for nandigram genocide.
I felt heavy.... for after i watched the almost blurred retaped vedio, that too half of it... I went speechless. balefully i asked her..."why the hell she did not trust him"... since my colleague being quite senior to me....she said somthing after which all came to one fix.... as if the pieces of my puzzle were all set. "she did trust him girl.....its just that she lost faith in him.....she wasnt scared of he being a non-conformist....she was scared of he beinge a human at all. she was scared of inhumanity"
You are born...you have sibblings...you love someone...you marry...you have kids....but even after all of these..at the age of 90 when u face a near death experience you first crave for ur mother...not because u did not trust all these people .... but the first person , you ever had complete faith on this earth is your mother. Be it 9/11 massacre or bhuj earthquake...people helped people not coz they trusted each other...or for that matter no body trusted anybody...it was one human faith that made a stranger ur life saviour.
when victims of beslan school massacre(russia) were treated at the JFK traumatic child caution centre...few unimaginable manuscripts came to define humanity...
amongst the two kids who were trapped at the school gym one being a grade 6 girl(rejevak) and another grade 4 boy (leo) ... who were sacked at the corner in a space of one school bag, they were almost one over the other....the scripts read..."he was on top of me...he wanted to pee...but he was scared for we were not allowed to talk....he looked into my eyes...without saying anythin i nodded.. he pee'd over me...the boy near me puked....and they killed leo"
when asked how did she find at all what leo wanted to say...rejavek herself did not know.
this was human faith....no body trusted anyboy.....all they did was to look at each other....they played upon what is known as emotional trasfix.
when Your human brain cannot act, by using senses...it shuts its receptors and switches on the emotional brain (Amygdala) ... and then its the work of amygdala to reciprocate..it can be a negetive response (as in the case of bali) or a positve one (as in rejaveks case)..but without the use of any physical response...since amygdala is in no connection with the rational brain(neocortex)...u actually never come to know how did u respond at all....it is this amygdala or the emotional brain that responds faith....and it is this neocortex or the rational brain that responds trust.
When u face death...when u feel love...when u act on the spurr of a blink then it is this emotional brain that makes u respond. This is magical indeed..for theres an instinct to kill one another for no reason and theres the other to stop it as well .. all in a sigle unit called human brain...
and we finaly came to consensus that trust is something which u can control....and faith in all reasons in uncontrolable...instinctive and gifted by god
you might trust a person for 40 years and then one fine day...he may walk over you. whereas you may havent even met each other before...but at the first sight u might feel a sense of belonging....i asked ... "is that what we call love at first sight"...we both laughed..but we both knew that of all the people we have met and we will meet, we ourselves were not sure who are our faith keepers..for till date all we bothered about was to win this trust game!
"unlike what u may realise it has got no connections with the number of years You have spent with each other.... its how many years you desire to spend more... that decides faith" - Helen Keller
Long back I had an argument with somone as to why don't I trust people..certainly even I wasn't sure why? for as far as trust is concerned I believe i had it on just 7 people in these 20 years and amongst those 7, the first one was me on any day. I retaliated "I do trust people..its just that I dont have faith on them"...."so whats the difference anyway?"..My addled brain went more flopsy... and I decided to be on a no trust mode untill i'd found what is faith!
yes there is a difference and a stark one. yesterday one of my colleagues at the newspaper agency called up and we spoke about the confusion thats presently hangling around nandigram. We decided we'l meet over a coffee and discuss about the article that has to be on print.
As we sat over a coffee...she narrated a clip scene from nandigram over which my article was to be writen.
"An eight year old girl(bali)...was trapped behind a burning bus..the local commotionist were on a random scurrage to burn and kill people, neverthless of their age and gender....(anybody above twelve was handed a gun to patrol...cause- he should be a localite and he should be a male..and any girl below twelve was either massacred along with her family or if she is over twelve she is raped and then murdered!) ...a local boy(16 years) watching from a distance ran to help the girl ... he was her neighbour... as he stood over the bus top..shoved away the gun and gave the girl his right hand so that she can hold it.....the girl replied "ab bharosa nai hai" (I dont have faith in you)...the boy not being able to decide what to do bent down to the possiblity of gripping her....the girl backed off...as soon as the boy jumped behind to pull her out...the state transport bus blew into pieces...burning them to ashes." all of this was filmed accidently by a fallen camera ..which presently happens to be the red witness for nandigram genocide.
I felt heavy.... for after i watched the almost blurred retaped vedio, that too half of it... I went speechless. balefully i asked her..."why the hell she did not trust him"... since my colleague being quite senior to me....she said somthing after which all came to one fix.... as if the pieces of my puzzle were all set. "she did trust him girl.....its just that she lost faith in him.....she wasnt scared of he being a non-conformist....she was scared of he beinge a human at all. she was scared of inhumanity"
You are born...you have sibblings...you love someone...you marry...you have kids....but even after all of these..at the age of 90 when u face a near death experience you first crave for ur mother...not because u did not trust all these people .... but the first person , you ever had complete faith on this earth is your mother. Be it 9/11 massacre or bhuj earthquake...people helped people not coz they trusted each other...or for that matter no body trusted anybody...it was one human faith that made a stranger ur life saviour.
when victims of beslan school massacre(russia) were treated at the JFK traumatic child caution centre...few unimaginable manuscripts came to define humanity...
amongst the two kids who were trapped at the school gym one being a grade 6 girl(rejevak) and another grade 4 boy (leo) ... who were sacked at the corner in a space of one school bag, they were almost one over the other....the scripts read..."he was on top of me...he wanted to pee...but he was scared for we were not allowed to talk....he looked into my eyes...without saying anythin i nodded.. he pee'd over me...the boy near me puked....and they killed leo"
when asked how did she find at all what leo wanted to say...rejavek herself did not know.
this was human faith....no body trusted anyboy.....all they did was to look at each other....they played upon what is known as emotional trasfix.
when Your human brain cannot act, by using senses...it shuts its receptors and switches on the emotional brain (Amygdala) ... and then its the work of amygdala to reciprocate..it can be a negetive response (as in the case of bali) or a positve one (as in rejaveks case)..but without the use of any physical response...since amygdala is in no connection with the rational brain(neocortex)...u actually never come to know how did u respond at all....it is this amygdala or the emotional brain that responds faith....and it is this neocortex or the rational brain that responds trust.
When u face death...when u feel love...when u act on the spurr of a blink then it is this emotional brain that makes u respond. This is magical indeed..for theres an instinct to kill one another for no reason and theres the other to stop it as well .. all in a sigle unit called human brain...
and we finaly came to consensus that trust is something which u can control....and faith in all reasons in uncontrolable...instinctive and gifted by god
you might trust a person for 40 years and then one fine day...he may walk over you. whereas you may havent even met each other before...but at the first sight u might feel a sense of belonging....i asked ... "is that what we call love at first sight"...we both laughed..but we both knew that of all the people we have met and we will meet, we ourselves were not sure who are our faith keepers..for till date all we bothered about was to win this trust game!
"unlike what u may realise it has got no connections with the number of years You have spent with each other.... its how many years you desire to spend more... that decides faith" - Helen Keller
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Comatose!
This is about two people iv known for sometime of my life....and for quite a long time i was in a limbo as to whther i should write about them or shouldn't I..but eventually as things stand today I don't feel any privacy attack even if I pen them down....so I start..I'v used nick names for the story is true and few are very much alive and living.
she was 5 when she had an acute asthamatic attack.. I saw her falling on the hard cemented floor of my school indore play room...she sweated badly...of the 64 of us who stood there not knowing what exactly to do...I cried as loud as I could...cause she was my best friend...and for that fraction of time I thought she is goind to die....my junior school principle came running....took her into her lap and then we all were sent to our respective classes.....As i started walking out of the class..i turned for the last time to see her...but was unable...i went back to KG II B. She returned the next week...all happy..more fatter...and honkering bashing to all the other desks as she reached mine ..almost shouting.." oye, Im back"... I was happy! this is the only scene that i remember of my kinder garten days! Me and "Tichhi" as we all fondly used to call her.
We have done almost everything together from knowing whats inside a room where all senior "didi's" from higher secondary used to go...where we being kids were prohibitted and which read something like "GCR" whose full form we didn't know at that time and eventually could find nothing interesting as it was just another "Girls common room"...to.... laughing and asking weird questions at human anatomy classes...we were great together!
Growing up was never a process to us..coz we never came to knw how we grew up so fast...right from famous five to GnR...from fancy dress competitions to walking at farewell ramps...it was fun..and by that i certainly don 't mean we never had a fight...we had...and sometimes bad ones too..but yes, they were never bigger than our yaari-dosti :)
Then on a sunday morning she called me to say she found a guy of 'her kind' with whome she likes just to be with or to be more precisely "faalen in love" with.....that night we partied like anything....played football till 2 in the night...got wet.....went for a drive...ducked parents while returning home in the morning....we'd done evry crazy stuff that was available to us...just to celebrate that one amongst us is no more single!!!
His name was CJ or thats what we used to call him....I'd met him once when we all partied again as CJ cracked AIIMS...was a real time brainy kid....yes, we were happy then for tichhi for CJ and for our dosti....two months passed after CJ went to med school...he used to be upset for not being able to cope up with his studies...and so we all used to cheer him and buck him we knew this was just a passing phase....but things turned out worse....CJ turned out to be a doper...we tried pulling him back from that "mess" of his life...but as fate wanted ..he went deeper and deeper into it....he lost it!
we realised that tichchi shouldnt be with him anymore for he was abusive...irrational and on top of it he was a druggist...
Another sunday morning and another call...it was from tichchy's mom.....that tichchi is hospitalised...i knew what she tried...its just that i din want me to believe that she has actually done what she said to me the night before "babe.. i think il kill myself"....i was sure she was kidding for i knew her not be a fool head....but yes i also knew she was damn into CJ...i went running...saw her resembling the exact color of a white bed sheet she was lying in....when she was up from the comatose...she told me Cj has been caught by police and she was scared!
"scared of what tichchy?" i did ask
"nothing babes..Im just scared"
she returned home ... all friends of ours planned for a trip to mumbai....we went.....had fun...we walked through bandstand...listening to november rain...went to cafe shops....movies theatres....we were the same as we were when CJ wasnt there.
we came back and another downpour waited to wet us all ...... we heard Cj got into an accident and was no more....
for sometime tichchy went blank....she started smoking... doping? I was'nt sure...but yes she wasn't stable.....all our night stays turned out to be a strike process for me and few more of my friends to pull her back from the "mess".....the more we tried ... the more she lost it....somehow we felt she wasnt the same one....or if im not wrong i just failed to understand her anymore...19 years of friendship came crashing in front of me...as she said "You know whats your problem....You are too much practical and too insensitive to understand even your best friend"
those words still shake me like anything....that night i came back at 2 and cried the rest of it in front of my dad...for all i knew that friendship is somthing that i'd never compromised!
another morning...another call.....her second attempt! I'd seen the room where she tried spilitting whatever she wanted...
5 days after, her dad took her someplace out of india..to her masi's place...for she needed treatment....of what.. even i din know.
it was 5th of june when i went to the airport to see her off....as she was checking in she held my hand and said "sorry babes....and..oye,I'll be back"......and she walked.
I couldnt stand there.. for the only person i ever cry to is my dad...as i was walking back to my car ...I turned back just to see her for the last time...but i was unable to...my school indoor games room came flashing into my memory..i ran back!
She did not return till date....occasional call's to uncle and aunty came to seize as i realised for them anything that associated tichchy was not to be kept in touch with....in an age where emails, Im's and fone calls are synonymous to existences..here we are...way far into different worlds. with no connections at all!
Even today when i look at my school ..I see the best of what I had and the worst of what i lost!
but life goes on..maybe someday..somewhere....as we said "right on the roof tops of empire state...we will party...boooz all night and look at the stars".
"Be a writer yaar...what fun is there in driving a car if u compare it to the power of moving emotions".... when i'd taken up engineering ticchy in her casual tone sounded something like that...and so not a whole novel but just a blog for her!
she was 5 when she had an acute asthamatic attack.. I saw her falling on the hard cemented floor of my school indore play room...she sweated badly...of the 64 of us who stood there not knowing what exactly to do...I cried as loud as I could...cause she was my best friend...and for that fraction of time I thought she is goind to die....my junior school principle came running....took her into her lap and then we all were sent to our respective classes.....As i started walking out of the class..i turned for the last time to see her...but was unable...i went back to KG II B. She returned the next week...all happy..more fatter...and honkering bashing to all the other desks as she reached mine ..almost shouting.." oye, Im back"... I was happy! this is the only scene that i remember of my kinder garten days! Me and "Tichhi" as we all fondly used to call her.
We have done almost everything together from knowing whats inside a room where all senior "didi's" from higher secondary used to go...where we being kids were prohibitted and which read something like "GCR" whose full form we didn't know at that time and eventually could find nothing interesting as it was just another "Girls common room"...to.... laughing and asking weird questions at human anatomy classes...we were great together!
Growing up was never a process to us..coz we never came to knw how we grew up so fast...right from famous five to GnR...from fancy dress competitions to walking at farewell ramps...it was fun..and by that i certainly don 't mean we never had a fight...we had...and sometimes bad ones too..but yes, they were never bigger than our yaari-dosti :)
Then on a sunday morning she called me to say she found a guy of 'her kind' with whome she likes just to be with or to be more precisely "faalen in love" with.....that night we partied like anything....played football till 2 in the night...got wet.....went for a drive...ducked parents while returning home in the morning....we'd done evry crazy stuff that was available to us...just to celebrate that one amongst us is no more single!!!
His name was CJ or thats what we used to call him....I'd met him once when we all partied again as CJ cracked AIIMS...was a real time brainy kid....yes, we were happy then for tichhi for CJ and for our dosti....two months passed after CJ went to med school...he used to be upset for not being able to cope up with his studies...and so we all used to cheer him and buck him we knew this was just a passing phase....but things turned out worse....CJ turned out to be a doper...we tried pulling him back from that "mess" of his life...but as fate wanted ..he went deeper and deeper into it....he lost it!
we realised that tichchi shouldnt be with him anymore for he was abusive...irrational and on top of it he was a druggist...
Another sunday morning and another call...it was from tichchy's mom.....that tichchi is hospitalised...i knew what she tried...its just that i din want me to believe that she has actually done what she said to me the night before "babe.. i think il kill myself"....i was sure she was kidding for i knew her not be a fool head....but yes i also knew she was damn into CJ...i went running...saw her resembling the exact color of a white bed sheet she was lying in....when she was up from the comatose...she told me Cj has been caught by police and she was scared!
"scared of what tichchy?" i did ask
"nothing babes..Im just scared"
she returned home ... all friends of ours planned for a trip to mumbai....we went.....had fun...we walked through bandstand...listening to november rain...went to cafe shops....movies theatres....we were the same as we were when CJ wasnt there.
we came back and another downpour waited to wet us all ...... we heard Cj got into an accident and was no more....
for sometime tichchy went blank....she started smoking... doping? I was'nt sure...but yes she wasn't stable.....all our night stays turned out to be a strike process for me and few more of my friends to pull her back from the "mess".....the more we tried ... the more she lost it....somehow we felt she wasnt the same one....or if im not wrong i just failed to understand her anymore...19 years of friendship came crashing in front of me...as she said "You know whats your problem....You are too much practical and too insensitive to understand even your best friend"
those words still shake me like anything....that night i came back at 2 and cried the rest of it in front of my dad...for all i knew that friendship is somthing that i'd never compromised!
another morning...another call.....her second attempt! I'd seen the room where she tried spilitting whatever she wanted...
5 days after, her dad took her someplace out of india..to her masi's place...for she needed treatment....of what.. even i din know.
it was 5th of june when i went to the airport to see her off....as she was checking in she held my hand and said "sorry babes....and..oye,I'll be back"......and she walked.
I couldnt stand there.. for the only person i ever cry to is my dad...as i was walking back to my car ...I turned back just to see her for the last time...but i was unable to...my school indoor games room came flashing into my memory..i ran back!
She did not return till date....occasional call's to uncle and aunty came to seize as i realised for them anything that associated tichchy was not to be kept in touch with....in an age where emails, Im's and fone calls are synonymous to existences..here we are...way far into different worlds. with no connections at all!
Even today when i look at my school ..I see the best of what I had and the worst of what i lost!
but life goes on..maybe someday..somewhere....as we said "right on the roof tops of empire state...we will party...boooz all night and look at the stars".
"Be a writer yaar...what fun is there in driving a car if u compare it to the power of moving emotions".... when i'd taken up engineering ticchy in her casual tone sounded something like that...and so not a whole novel but just a blog for her!
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Crash
my first drive..my first crash...my first loss...somethings cant be defined by words....this was few seconds before a crash!..though all escaped unhurt...but my first 'hello' to fear was then.....and each time i look at this...im speechless....write what u feel when u see this pic....let it be anything...and by that i really dont mind when u write 'whatta crap'. just post it as a comment!Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Ashes
"Im leaving on a jet plane ... dont knw when il be back again..Oh
babe..I hate to go......"
May be my umpteenth listen to this song...still i feel the same as i
had felt the first time ever when i heard this song.....A fathomless
feeling...far and unkempt..no matter how much u try..u just cant get
over this feeling...the feeling of missing!
and i leave it to that...coz the substance of missing is too hard to
categorize...
I have heard my late grandma saying she missed the old
banyan tree of her first home, my uncle missing his old broadset
radio, my friend missing her boyfriend....and many more to miss.I too miss to share these songs with someone...miss to share my closet
anymore with my kid friend...miss to play hide and seek with my
brothers....miss so much with so many people...I miss all thats not
mine and all that wont be mine!
I might sound selfish..but deep down inside u will realise that even you
are a part of this bluff game..when u listen to an old song...when u write something for the first
time..when u see something that uv never seen before...or just when u
sit silent...u miss all those with whome you want to share all these
moments..even in a crowded room, u just might feel 'god, why isnt she
here'...
I feel..I miss and then I cry....and today if Iv accepted the void in me...i realise that unlike every
secong 'girl' i dont miss a 'boyfriend'..rather i miss a companion just
'my kind'....I dont miss branded stuff, cd's and coffee shops....I
miss my school library....On speeding cars .. i dont miss to pull
brakes, but what i do miss is to drive ahead with a friend, on a long
road, with John Denver playing...just as it was 2 years back!
and by all these im no philosopher or an old school girl...I am what exactly you are...cause a patient thought will make u believe that all that uv been thinkin that ur missing are not the ones actually you do...
if its words that u think u miss...then trust me its the spaces between them that ur actually missing!
Incomprehensible? .. yes i can be...cause even i took 2 complete years to find what do i exactly miss! or rather what do people call void? and what id found is that.. what id never imagined!
If it was my old life that i missed...i was wrong....its just that the absence of those people in my present life is what i missed!
I woke up today morning and after 8 years i heard mom in the kitchen...as past 8 years she walked to her work before i used to wake..and if someday she used to be on leave it used to be my turn to walk before...You might not feel what i felt...as you might have never known to wake up alone...munch a peice of something cold and insignificant....wash, pack
and run all that when u were 14 and officially living in a home full of people...
Letme tell u...no matter how much u reason and how much u get into the understanding mode..u feel 'damn..why isnt there anybody to feed me
somethin better'....but then u walk off..as u know "if ur mom's working
she is working for u" and if not that then theres nothin better you can cook for urself.
As i said its too large to categorize....but each day..while u drive...u work...listen...eat...walk..or sleep u do feel a void...for something or somebody thats relative....but at the end uv got nothing
better to do than just ignore and work on...as iv been doing till date....and if by chance u dont feel the space...just halt and thank God for ur amongst the few..who are blessed to be complete..
for the rest of us...the world is still incomplete!
Find your 'missing link' before it vanishes into the ashes of time!
babe..I hate to go......"
May be my umpteenth listen to this song...still i feel the same as i
had felt the first time ever when i heard this song.....A fathomless
feeling...far and unkempt..no matter how much u try..u just cant get
over this feeling...the feeling of missing!
and i leave it to that...coz the substance of missing is too hard to
categorize...
I have heard my late grandma saying she missed the old
banyan tree of her first home, my uncle missing his old broadset
radio, my friend missing her boyfriend....and many more to miss.I too miss to share these songs with someone...miss to share my closet
anymore with my kid friend...miss to play hide and seek with my
brothers....miss so much with so many people...I miss all thats not
mine and all that wont be mine!
I might sound selfish..but deep down inside u will realise that even you
are a part of this bluff game..when u listen to an old song...when u write something for the first
time..when u see something that uv never seen before...or just when u
sit silent...u miss all those with whome you want to share all these
moments..even in a crowded room, u just might feel 'god, why isnt she
here'...
I feel..I miss and then I cry....and today if Iv accepted the void in me...i realise that unlike every
secong 'girl' i dont miss a 'boyfriend'..rather i miss a companion just
'my kind'....I dont miss branded stuff, cd's and coffee shops....I
miss my school library....On speeding cars .. i dont miss to pull
brakes, but what i do miss is to drive ahead with a friend, on a long
road, with John Denver playing...just as it was 2 years back!
and by all these im no philosopher or an old school girl...I am what exactly you are...cause a patient thought will make u believe that all that uv been thinkin that ur missing are not the ones actually you do...
if its words that u think u miss...then trust me its the spaces between them that ur actually missing!
Incomprehensible? .. yes i can be...cause even i took 2 complete years to find what do i exactly miss! or rather what do people call void? and what id found is that.. what id never imagined!
If it was my old life that i missed...i was wrong....its just that the absence of those people in my present life is what i missed!
I woke up today morning and after 8 years i heard mom in the kitchen...as past 8 years she walked to her work before i used to wake..and if someday she used to be on leave it used to be my turn to walk before...You might not feel what i felt...as you might have never known to wake up alone...munch a peice of something cold and insignificant....wash, pack
and run all that when u were 14 and officially living in a home full of people...
Letme tell u...no matter how much u reason and how much u get into the understanding mode..u feel 'damn..why isnt there anybody to feed me
somethin better'....but then u walk off..as u know "if ur mom's working
she is working for u" and if not that then theres nothin better you can cook for urself.
As i said its too large to categorize....but each day..while u drive...u work...listen...eat...walk..or sleep u do feel a void...for something or somebody thats relative....but at the end uv got nothing
better to do than just ignore and work on...as iv been doing till date....and if by chance u dont feel the space...just halt and thank God for ur amongst the few..who are blessed to be complete..
for the rest of us...the world is still incomplete!
Find your 'missing link' before it vanishes into the ashes of time!
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Wanderer!
And I close my eyes….walking back to the boulevard of broken mirrors. “And yet again” some one says. “Few lines on life?” and I say “no, this time I’m writing not about life but things which are beyond one’s life”
On Sundays my dad prefers not to drive, and since we don’t have a driver it’s usually me who drives him to his destination, to the trust of which he is a member. I finish of my work till he gets over with his. Someday we drive back home over a coffee at local cafés, on other’s if nothing, some jalebi’s are for sure in my kitty. Usually I wait if he happens to take long with his, but this time I preferred a drive towards the old township where I spent my first few years, towards the reminiscence of my childhood.
My father is a government employee, and we spent our early days at the township where he was allotted one of many quarters. A simple two bedroom built up and a shabby porch ‘where our old jalopy used to stay’ was all that we managed with. Neither desired nor required any bit of extra space beyond what we had. Since television wasn’t that big when I was four and with all the more internet being in its nascent stage, most of the colony kids used to spent their post school hours hanging on to the cricket grounds and to each others backyards collecting peaches and mango’s. Sunday Maggie parties, picnics on two wheelers ‘with a bunch of wooden sticks somehow being managed to be tied around the stepney’, cake making and hogging sessions, cycle races around the fence were few of our monthly rituals. One’s birthday party was worth a year awaited! We didn’t have much and we neither craved for, because we all had equal shares. Maybe that’s what we did. We lived equal lives. Nobody bothered to purchase anything that they did not see at their neighbor’s place. More so, nobody had anything worth a showpiece! And there was my first lesson ...”To be happy, money is the least you’ll ever need”
As I drive onto the other side, I see a shattered window, grills already being stolen, a yellowed piece of land that once stood to be a small garden and a half tethered porch, all at a place that used to be my home. “19/A” was all that I could see being repainted in black; rest all seemed to be brutally shaken. I drove a bit farther to my friends place and I see the huge mango tree where we, along with our brothers and sisters used to collect half groomed mango’s... now, it gives nothing but a spooky feeling. Though I won’t say collecting mangos was the thing that taught us to be friends but it taught us something beyond friendship a feeling called togetherness. We used to burn our backs in the scorching heat of April summer, bending on to the grounds in search of the unripe ones and a day’s collection went to the owner’s dining table. Cleaned, washed and eaten later on. No one stole, no one fought. As all knew there’s nothing in them that will differentiate there share. They were equals beyond sex, height, shape and size; they all were children and a true companion to one another, and nothing beyond that. I learnt my second lesson “We don’t need friends, we need true companionship…we bond not to friendship, but we bond to togetherness and to the sense of security”
Today when I see my sister lamenting for her childhood friend, who unknowingly went missing into this big bad world and who also happened to be my childhood big brother, I don’t see friendship and emotions; I just see the innocent longing for togetherness, where one does not think twice to speak her heart out. A desire for that another world where rule one ‘still’ stands to be no pretension, where we belonged together as a team and where we all knew that our team has a broader definition, far from religious bondages it stood for those who desired to be together through thick and thin.
I drove alongside to our play ground, one more of my pal’s place whose main door was stolen and through which I could see the remains of her then living room, to my kinder garten bus stop and simply to the old roads...as I drive in to these half asleep yesteryears, I see each shattered room glowing bright into a different life that I was a part of. “All wanderers aren’t lost”, I fondly remember Tolkein as I take to be one myself. All these bricks stood past 14 years when I was there. No matter how bad they look, these broken windows teach me my last lesson “blood isn’t a necessary requirement for bonding, a past, barren grounds, broken wall’s and a little bit of faith is enough to let one feel the living bond all over again”
On holi day’s iv seen my uncles watering others from roof tops and hogging on to sweets, “durga pujo’s” were something which is inexplicable through words…from howling on to football and cricket world cups at 2 in the night to crying over lost children till the morning light. I’ve seen it all and now after all that I’ve grown to be, I can feel them more. When I drive back leaving my born connections, I take leave from things which I’ll remember all through the coming years… things which will mean beyond my whole life.
I never wished to be there where I was when I was a day old, my old life was a gift from God. Today as I wish a million things ‘almost all being fulfilled’… now that I have more than 2 of everything…. Now, that I no more need to collect mangos. I realize that I had the best gift when I was born and at the end of all’s, I’ll cherish this gift as the gift of my life!
Care is non quantifiable. And if you can, then it’s the least you have ever received.
Its what I learned from everybody, I say everybody as I wasn’t bought up just by my parents, I’m a part of many living souls…some, who no longer come to me with vanilla candies and some who still quiz me fondly with tricky math questions. It wasn’t a lesson, for me, it was an elixir to living….sometimes as deep and intense as an abyss… most of the times an unknown comfort. Even for the dead, I feel remembrance is care. And for the living…It’s what you feel right now!
P.s. some of it is factual. Most of it real….with love and respect for all of them who were a part of it!
On Sundays my dad prefers not to drive, and since we don’t have a driver it’s usually me who drives him to his destination, to the trust of which he is a member. I finish of my work till he gets over with his. Someday we drive back home over a coffee at local cafés, on other’s if nothing, some jalebi’s are for sure in my kitty. Usually I wait if he happens to take long with his, but this time I preferred a drive towards the old township where I spent my first few years, towards the reminiscence of my childhood.
My father is a government employee, and we spent our early days at the township where he was allotted one of many quarters. A simple two bedroom built up and a shabby porch ‘where our old jalopy used to stay’ was all that we managed with. Neither desired nor required any bit of extra space beyond what we had. Since television wasn’t that big when I was four and with all the more internet being in its nascent stage, most of the colony kids used to spent their post school hours hanging on to the cricket grounds and to each others backyards collecting peaches and mango’s. Sunday Maggie parties, picnics on two wheelers ‘with a bunch of wooden sticks somehow being managed to be tied around the stepney’, cake making and hogging sessions, cycle races around the fence were few of our monthly rituals. One’s birthday party was worth a year awaited! We didn’t have much and we neither craved for, because we all had equal shares. Maybe that’s what we did. We lived equal lives. Nobody bothered to purchase anything that they did not see at their neighbor’s place. More so, nobody had anything worth a showpiece! And there was my first lesson ...”To be happy, money is the least you’ll ever need”
As I drive onto the other side, I see a shattered window, grills already being stolen, a yellowed piece of land that once stood to be a small garden and a half tethered porch, all at a place that used to be my home. “19/A” was all that I could see being repainted in black; rest all seemed to be brutally shaken. I drove a bit farther to my friends place and I see the huge mango tree where we, along with our brothers and sisters used to collect half groomed mango’s... now, it gives nothing but a spooky feeling. Though I won’t say collecting mangos was the thing that taught us to be friends but it taught us something beyond friendship a feeling called togetherness. We used to burn our backs in the scorching heat of April summer, bending on to the grounds in search of the unripe ones and a day’s collection went to the owner’s dining table. Cleaned, washed and eaten later on. No one stole, no one fought. As all knew there’s nothing in them that will differentiate there share. They were equals beyond sex, height, shape and size; they all were children and a true companion to one another, and nothing beyond that. I learnt my second lesson “We don’t need friends, we need true companionship…we bond not to friendship, but we bond to togetherness and to the sense of security”
Today when I see my sister lamenting for her childhood friend, who unknowingly went missing into this big bad world and who also happened to be my childhood big brother, I don’t see friendship and emotions; I just see the innocent longing for togetherness, where one does not think twice to speak her heart out. A desire for that another world where rule one ‘still’ stands to be no pretension, where we belonged together as a team and where we all knew that our team has a broader definition, far from religious bondages it stood for those who desired to be together through thick and thin.
I drove alongside to our play ground, one more of my pal’s place whose main door was stolen and through which I could see the remains of her then living room, to my kinder garten bus stop and simply to the old roads...as I drive in to these half asleep yesteryears, I see each shattered room glowing bright into a different life that I was a part of. “All wanderers aren’t lost”, I fondly remember Tolkein as I take to be one myself. All these bricks stood past 14 years when I was there. No matter how bad they look, these broken windows teach me my last lesson “blood isn’t a necessary requirement for bonding, a past, barren grounds, broken wall’s and a little bit of faith is enough to let one feel the living bond all over again”
On holi day’s iv seen my uncles watering others from roof tops and hogging on to sweets, “durga pujo’s” were something which is inexplicable through words…from howling on to football and cricket world cups at 2 in the night to crying over lost children till the morning light. I’ve seen it all and now after all that I’ve grown to be, I can feel them more. When I drive back leaving my born connections, I take leave from things which I’ll remember all through the coming years… things which will mean beyond my whole life.
I never wished to be there where I was when I was a day old, my old life was a gift from God. Today as I wish a million things ‘almost all being fulfilled’… now that I have more than 2 of everything…. Now, that I no more need to collect mangos. I realize that I had the best gift when I was born and at the end of all’s, I’ll cherish this gift as the gift of my life!
Care is non quantifiable. And if you can, then it’s the least you have ever received.
Its what I learned from everybody, I say everybody as I wasn’t bought up just by my parents, I’m a part of many living souls…some, who no longer come to me with vanilla candies and some who still quiz me fondly with tricky math questions. It wasn’t a lesson, for me, it was an elixir to living….sometimes as deep and intense as an abyss… most of the times an unknown comfort. Even for the dead, I feel remembrance is care. And for the living…It’s what you feel right now!
P.s. some of it is factual. Most of it real….with love and respect for all of them who were a part of it!
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