The Lover in me....

“I wonder how at peace I am in a forest...with mist all over my jacket…huge trees who let me just walk…walk miles after miles…no questions no bondages…”

My living room faces the only forest in the city...often I have pulled up a chair on to my balcony watching those thunderous clouds calmly cover it with a blanket of dew drops....no aggression...no fidget. Just pure love and I call it love as I associate emotions to everything that’s beyond my understanding. And nothing so beautiful as a cloud pouring over a forest can define love. Unconditional love!
Nature is our elixir to living.. we have all read it some place…some where but today as I sit, open arms embracing it in me I know why it is said so…
I usually walk back home from my office...not tired but neither upbeat...and I feel this cool breeze flowing all over me…the same I feel when Its night 2 and the forest wind wishes to blow...it has a magic to soothe you…those who haven’t lived near a forest will never know the feeling of flying…slowly and calmly…


I was morbid that day…walking back home wasn’t that great either as I was preoccupied with my ever restless mind, asusual... I slammed the door as I entered…and I wonder how “coming back home to someone” seems entirely out of place when u start living alone…sometimes you are happy to find the solace of living out of the human mess that runs around you day in and day out. My living room has glass walls. So when it rains we pull those glass walls over and let the coolness come in, that day I just lay still.. lying on the floor of my drawing cum balcony, drops of rain wetting me mildly… and I lay still…
I closed my eyes and like a movie reel everything ever happy to me flashed around me .

I saw me along with my two other girl friends playing football in the middle of the night with mud all over us...I saw my mom brewing coffee and me getting wet endlessly in my garden. I see swooshing all over the city up on a racer bike with my best buddy on the wheels…I see my dad painting intensely a snowfall in Russia…I see driving…driving farther and farther alone in an empty road when its 5 in the morning.
I see standing alone in a white sand beach with a boat sailing far east…I see walking and talking the world over with my sister…I see looking into the eyes of serendipity standing in the fields of my college…I see love holding a hand in pain…I see hope in a drop of tear for the unsaid affection…I see two mad friends bike racing….I see floating in the pool with night being bluest of blue and stars shining all over me….I see running … running behind a bus madly to follow it….I see anger for not forgetting the loss…I see passion to find Cassiopeia, the cluster of stars….I see faith in losing loved ones…I see me dancing in the high in trance…I see friendship beyond boundations…

And then I see me standing at the end of a road, my dad at the other end urging me to walk towards him…when I was less than three …. The earliest memory I ever had and the happiest I’ll ever have.
I open my eyes…

And I see nothing…no hope...no love...no fantasy...no fear…..

How beautifully my life has come to a fraction still…to a stillness that has no answer even to an anguish as deep as losing heart beats…to a stillness which is as black as a forest in the night. And how I wonder nature is elixir to us…

I know loneliness is surreal…it’s difficult to define. But it exists in love and hate…it co-exists till our existence diminishes into the sands of time. and there’s just one reason for it to survive within us to let us know what we are worth of…to let us know why we would still get up and walk back home every single night just to ‘hope’ that tomorrow we might live just another moment which we will never forget for the rest of our lives…which we would see when we close our eyes …no inhibitions…no regrets!


“And when I reach at the end of the forest, looking at the joy of following trees after trees...just like kids...counting berries and feeling the wing beneath my feet I know my walk Is done and I know that the walk was worth to remember all my life…”