The day I learnt its Independence Day.

It was the year of 1991, I was in my KG. We were more than hundred buzzing in for our 19th annual day celebration which coincidentally fell on the 15th of august as well. I was in a group song, not because i did sing well, in fact i still sing pathetic. but just because my best friend was also in the same group( fortunately she is an ace singer). so all through the practice i was more interested for the fun part than singing part. finally the D day arrived and it was the performance time. we had to make a flag standing up on the benches wearing tri coloured uniforms. as i was being dressed up i asked my mom, who i'm sure would have been equally excited for my life's first stage performance.

I : "I don't want to wear that orange dress i want to wear white"
Ma : No orange is good, see you'll make the top part of our country flag. Feel proud.
I : Why feel proud?
Ma : Because its Independence Day

and just when i wanted to throw the next set of questions to her, we were hurried towards the back stage for next was our turn. by then i was a guru for all my folks. I knew three big big things. A word like "independence day", something for which i should be very proud and that il stand at the top floor. Why, well I din bother much abt it till the end of my performance.

We stood still, the stage would be enlightened in a short while and then the music will start, since we were the last to perform we had to sing two songs. one which was very happy and rhythmic and the other which we used to call national anthem. but that wasn't interesting to me as we had to stand straight and sing very stiff. suddenly the stage glowed bright and we started, I started enjoying all the celebrity sort of moment. a huge crowed looking at us, flood lights focused on us and being on the top, i felt i have something special. I could see even the last row of the crowd. we finished, the whole crowed bursted into clapping, By then that celebrity feeling turned out to be a Diva feeling, as if rest 40 kids were invisible and I was the only one who has sung the whole song. My smiley face was not coming to its normalcy when my best friend poked me from side..

Meenal: Stop smiling Dumbo, next we have to sing the national anthem. stand straight.
I: (Still in my euphoria), Yaya I know, don't worry I wont mess it up. But why do we have to sing national anthem at all?
Meenal: thats because today is independence day and we will show our respect to our country by singing it.

Ooops!! My guru feeling and Diva feeling suddenly collapsed. Now even she knew something called Independence day and more disastrous she knew the reason why we sing the National anthem. anyhow with wounded ego i sang Jana Gana Mana.
but right in the middle of this confusion of singing it, not liking it and not being a guru anymore. I had one question. Why do we have to celebrate Independence day at all, or for that matter why do we have to sing anthem for our country. I was clueless. just as we finished.
there was a shower of confetti on, more than 50 fire crackers bursted outside, every single person stood cheering and clapping for us. that "Diva" feeling was magnified n number of times.I felt as if I was on the top of the world and I have sung the National anthem on behalf of the whole country.

To me all that happy happy feel, that lighting, those thunderous applause and that standing ovation, was my definition of being proud, my definition of Independence day. Thats how it went on 15th august 1991, the day I learnt its independence day.

Since then every year 15th august to me was the day when i could feel proud of me for no reason, for just being an Indian. how easily God gives us a reason to feel proud for belonging to ones country. Years rolled by, with each year life gave me much more stronger reason to feel proud, and with each reason there came innumerable responsibilities that i was being given for my country. from keeping it clean to doing good in sports to studies to everything. beyond everything there was one basic reason that was fortunately imbibed into me on that very day in the year of 1991. that whatever I'm doing, somewhere I'm doing it to make my country proud.

......

Its the year 2008, the first msg i read on my cell fone is a congratulations from my friend for Bindra winning the gold in Olympics. for that instant no extraordinary feeling grappled me. I was happy but pretty easy with it.
To me nothing changed, the whole day i was oscillating from writing articles to my java classes. I returned home late and after dinner felt like surfing on to TV channels.
My parents were already asleep, so its volume was pretty low. Olympics being on roll, i stilled on to some sports channel which was showing Bindra shooting his 10m range. although i wasn't that interested into his accuracy and clicking technique i left it running. At the end of 5 minutes, he was declared the recipient of gold in Olympics. I increased my TV volume to a little more, thinking if it would wake my parents. as the ceremony proceeded

The TV channel showed the victory ceremony.after the runners up being sang for it was my country's turn

" And now for the 10m shooting range, Gold, India. The Indian national anthem"
the moment those words were said. i increased my TV volume to 15 and I stood up. My national anthem was being sung, My flag was being hosted and across the globe at least a million people were giving a standing ovation to my country. just because one amongst us did achieve to accomplish his responsibility.

That same responsibility which i felt year after year every independence day, that same responsibility for which more than 10,000 soldiers die, that responsibility which first triggered my inquisitiveness to know how it feels to be proud when i was just 5. I could see the same glitter in Bindra's eyes, may be a million times more in magnitude of what i felt 17 years back.

everything done, the sports channel came back to its routine telecast. and I realized. probably my house was the loudest on my street, my parents sleeping inside and I'm standing in the middle of my dining room. With no confetti shower, no beaming lights, no thunderous applause I felt the feeling of being proud. The same one, which I felt years back, kiddish and unknown that I belong to my country. I turned off the television and went to sleep.




I just couldn't stop smiling.I text msgd my best friend

"Bindra won gold. watched the victory ceremony. felt same like standing on the top floor making the orange of our flag :)"


after few minutes her reply was

"Same here :)"




P.s. In the picture I'm fourth from top left, with my head swinging the most I'm sure I enjoyed like hell :P, Meenal is just left to me.

BlindFolded

Sometimes a long road reminds me of my past, my good times, my bad times. Times where iv lost hope, times where hope was the only thing that kept me hanging. and just when i start my walk back home, I feel I'm turning my back to everything that life offered me.

One of my school chums dad gotta new car recently, so after loads of "no's" and "il see's" I got hold of it for a short morning drive. fortunately there are roads in my city which are completely empty in wee hours. which are just half hour drive, you stop, stand in front of your car look at the long road and just think. I know not many of us do that and I'm pretty okay if you say I'm nuts and I have lots of time for this "stuff".

Agreed. Iv always had lots of time for myself. So this time no packed coffees, no November rain and no friends to hang along. it was just me and the nothingness in me that i was carrying. Have you ever realised that when you look at something which has no finish line, you just want to move a little ahead and see where it is.

during your school days we all used to cross that extra line to see how our friends scored in their paper, during college who's with whom...who is going for which company...who is in for the new project,presentations, everything. we have always wished to cross that extra line for no reason. I could not see the end of that road, but unlike all other times I didn't wish to drive a little bit ahead and find out. I just stood still and felt bad. how can someone describe a certain feeling which hasn't been named. I was feeling bad for my short lived good time. times when I used to stand up for my friends....time when I used to stand up for myself. Have I become so ordinary?

This was sometime exactly one year at past. It was my birthday. everyone I wished to be was there at my place celebrating my birthday. only i wasn't there

I was in my coaching class...preparing for an exam which I wasn't sure to appear for. as my class got over I confessed to my friend my disliking of being somewhere half hearted

"see you've got to sacrifice somethings" was her answer

I just shook my head in disgrace knowing that I wasn't sure how badly i need any sacrifice, I reached home...all were banging on me with everything that they had, wished me all the good things and the party started. me and one of my very close friend sat on the front porch and the conversation went something like this

Him: so where were you all this time??

I: class yaar, for MBA.

Him: MBA? but i thought you were ...( I dint let him complete)

I: yaya, now don't start that again....see lets face the fact, I'm no genius that any auto maker will just invite me to work for them. and more so less opportunities....blah blah..u know na...MBA will be okay for me i guess

Him: nodded his head

( we sat silently for a long time...or guess to me the time was longer)

Him: You know what...May be you are right.., you should do MBA, You know after all managerial job....good money...a comfortable life and yah most importantly you would plan everything..you know like say if you get into HR you'll manage people..you will hire them throw them out..or for say in marketing...making business plans...market surveys...whats right whats wrong...money building.....great...it will be a good job for you...after all every second guy is doing it.

And he walked inside. I was silent, for i know this is exactly what i never wanted to do. this is exactly what I never felt like doing. I never wanted to be the one to know which car is economical or which car sells better, I just wanted to make one, I just wanted to design one, see it flying into a straight long road with its perfect air fleet body and just the right kind of wheels. I just wanted to feel how it feels to get into something that is completely yours.

A loud noise thronged inside my ear to rip me apart, I jerked up only to see. I'm standing in the middle of the road, doing nothing. a truck pulled aside and honked his horns I don't know for how many times. I pulled my wheels a little aside and sat watching the truck pass by, may be the same way all those important moments which would have changed me passed by and i failed to see them.

I saw that empty road for the last time, this time no memories, no flash back just one question.....Am i really that ordinary? Am i just like another second guy??

I drove back, with that very feeling multiplying innumerable times.so many times that i lost count. A feeling of guilt, a feeling of failure, a feeling of loosing something. i came back home, punched hard my computer and wrote an email to my friend telling him, that yes he was right, may be this is what i am just like any other second guy, doing what others doing and not what iv dreamt off. But how possibly you could know that there might be bigger problems which led me to chose this as an option. but thanks for making me feel that I'm no good.

I did not realise one thing, that may be by now he would have forgotten that conversation and would find no clue as to why I'm writing him such a pathetic mail. Two days passed and he replied. as i read his name in my inbox name folder, i was uncomfortable, I knew he would be angry for iv written it real bad. fortunately or unfortunately it read something like this

"I know for everybody things don't turn up the right way, but didn't we see it this way when we were young to fight back when the ball isn't with our defender. Football, yes but no joke this time. You might have priorities which compelled you to chose your options. but tomorrow when things would be fine I want to see you flying in your so called "wheels". regardless of what you are, how you age and what you do. trust me, you can be anything but ordinary."

I sat shocked. How could he know me that much, how could he chose to write the right words. But then again, that's what friends are for. May be he was waiting for this email of mine so that he could tel me, that time never runs out for all those who wish to reach for the finish line.

"It has to be something in the shade of grey, a particular grey, neither too flashy not too subdue. It will have a perfect A lined, air fleet body with wheel propellers and yah important important disk brakes. just wish they come into production line till then, then yah....bubble tyres, fin lines just the way it is with the Mustang Shelby. A perfect speed convertible"

That is how I used to talk, when I used to believe in my dreams. just like every time I hope one day il drive to some long road, halt, sit back and believe that I'm anything but ordinary.

A Lifetime Of Serendipty....

“Note: for all those who haven’t seen the movie “the lake house”. It’s a movie about a beautiful house where time stops, where the owner of the house has the liberty to live with people from future and past. To some whom he hasn’t met. It’s a house where one person waits for years, just to find his love from future come to him at the lake house”




Have you seen The Lake house, it’s a movie about time lap, two people who love each other, but who live apart because of time. One lives in the year of 98 and the other in the year of 2000. But they finally meet when one waits for the other. I don’t know if anything like that exists, but every time I watch that movie I feel a connection, to what I’m still amused. May be that I believe in serendipity. May be that someday, I believe, that I’ll see the magic of abstract destiny.

It happened so many times with me, I’ve been places for the first time and I feel that I’ve been here before. And every time I try and explain it to somebody. I know their strange giggles behind their “it happens, sometimes”. Yes it does and how else can I explain that one has to believe in it to make it happen. On 30th of April this year, I was standing at the backside of my college building, vast lands of yellowed grasses and mountains all over. A small muddy road stretched between those grasses. Where, I don’t know, But as I was watching just the sky and the nothingness around. I had the feeling that may be someday I’ll come back, stand right at this place and watch the sky. I was frantically looking for one clue around that gave me this feeling. But guess I couldn’t find any, I wanted to walk that disheveled road that went behind somewhere and as I started to walk, I was called up

“Hey come back, we gotta go…baad me dekhlena(see it later)”

I turned back looking at my friend for a long time and I smiled. As I looked at that road, probably for the last time in my near future. I knew that I’ll come back. And I have no answer why.

Not this time, my old home, my school canteen, my best friend’s farmhouse, and the last metro station at Calcutta are all those places which gave me the same feeling. The feeling of serendipity as it gave me sheer happiness with no reason, that one feeling that maybe I’ll return here one day long after I’ve left this place. As was it with the lake house, few walls of glasses that separated time… I feel these places are separated from me with those invisible walls of glasses. I’ve read that sometimes the most insignificant person in your life is the most important one, and that you never really come to know unless you believe that each have some motive to be with you.



That summer I was traveling from my hometown to Bombay, the first time I was traveling alone. My friends dropped me to the station as my parents were at someplace else as they bid me goodbye I see an old man coming towards my coupe, he took his seat in front of me. Surprisingly there weren’t anybody else to share the rest three births. As the journey is long and me being a first timer, it took me sometime to be okay with traveling alone. Slowly I and uncle started talking; he told me how he traveled to far places when he was young, to his expeditions at various army bases where he was stationed as a medical officer. He told me how sun shines orange at rohtangpass and the same sun shines dull golden at the Calcutta docks. I smiled, for just like people of our age he was excited to tell me where he went what he did. He was excited to show me the world from his eyes. He told me how does Lake Geneva looks before the morning sun and more interestingly how does an aurora feel. I jumped up

“Aurora??? You have seen an aurora??”

And with dim eyes he said

“It’s not a thing to see kid; it’s a thing to feel”

I was super excited. As everything that he told was new and interesting to me. As time passed he took a small pic from his wallet in which he and his younger son were standing on a bark in between a lake. And proudly he said

“That’s Dal Lake where my son was posted few years back”

We kept on talking of things that I’ve never heard. Of things like why the Cambridge national park is so beautiful and how does in northern California, all park benches are a memorial to some or the other martyr. He told me that when u take a boat ride at lake placid and sail to its middle and sit there till middle of the night u see electric fishes gathering near your boat, just to make you believe that you are not alone.
I smiled again, all he said I had never heard before. We spoke till it was almost 11 in the night and then went to sleep for he was old and couldn’t sit anymore.
I lay awake and I dreamt of everything he has just told, suddenly I wished to see everything what he said…at that time it would have been just another fantasy dream of a teenaged girl…but till today, I dream of all those places, I dream of watching the constellation Orion right in the middle of an ice skating rink.
It was morning 7 and I’d just woken up with all the hustle around. Uncle was packing all his stuff, his station arrived … as I managed to open up my groggy eyes he said with a glint

“So kid, morning (typical army style)

I smiled and said “you leaving uncle?”

He stood with his baggage turned around and said

“Don’t forget to watch lake placid” and he de-boarded the train

I kept watching him through the window, his family came to receive him and he went. And I had the same feeling, feeling that iv known this person way before than yesterday.
Train moved and I kept thinking of all that he said.



I realized in those few hours, a complete stranger, way much older than me and whose name I hardly remember… made me realize that how much I would like to find park benches, how much I would love to travel.

How at eleven in the night, when the world was busy sleeping I met a person who gifted my dream of a life time.

And till today, whenever the day goes bad. Or something happens which I’d never wanted to. I dream the same dream, me sitting on a boat right in the middle of a lake with electric fishes around me…suddenly the water glows the colour of light blue, I look up and I see… the aurora. I see god turn on his lamp shed J

“That happens when god turns on his lamp shed” that was his definition to aurora with a grand smile.


There might be nobody waiting for me to meet him someday, there might be no more places where I’ll feel that I’ve been here before, there might be no more serendipities and there might be no another dream like that. But of all that I’ve experienced I’ve learnt that I’ll never stop believing in a magic.

May be someday someone will prove me right and make me believe that the very Lake Geneva is waiting for me. May be someday, long after I’ve left my hometown, I’ll come back to my college stand at the same place and watch the sky. May be someday I’ll get to see behind that invisible glass wall.

And how I wish, my life to be my lake house… where time stops, where magic comes true.


How I wish to meet a life time of serendipity.

The good, The better and The best

Note: Some of it fiction, Most of it real.with love and affection for one of my best friend.

"I had just learnt cycling, wheels used to facinate me, she was holding my seat and I was shouting almost screaming...

"chodna mat...chodna mat I'l fall, I'l fall"

she was equally excited, screaming louder "tu dar mat, im not leaving it, you wont fall"

I tried balancing, and she was running behind me holding my cycle... i cycled more and more, and slowly i could hear her no more. I kept cycling harder and harder, so far so good. and then when I was done with my excitement of cycling for the first time, I realised iv comedown to some different lane, I suddenly stopped, hanking and sweltering knowing that I'm lost. I looked back...to see if she is still coming, I left her behind...somwhere in my own happiness I forgot that she was running all behind me....I kept looking at the empty road .barren. lonely for a long time and there I see... with long hairs almost toggling her waist, there she was running at full blast... waving her hand shouting "wait..Im coming, Im coming" ...... ""

Well that was monai. yes indeed the name is enough for all those who knw her, but all those who dont letme introduce...

It is said, there are three parts to every soul. one that lives within you, one which is owned by your life partner and one which is with that unknown person, whom you may or may not meet in your lifetime. but whose every prayer, every luck, every success has your share. I'm not sure how many of you have had the luck to meet ur third share, but letme tel you how it is when you actually do.

our school busses used to gather around a big mahogany tree, since we both were frm different schools our timings never clashed, while she was somehow making it to the bus stop, i used to enjoy the freedom to sleep till ten for being in the aftrenoon shift. our interests, choice of food, choice of dresses, almost choice of everything on this planet earth somehow differed or rather more decently were diametrically opposite :) so one fineday I was supposed to go for my school picninc and thats why had to slogup at 7 in the morning. as i somehow reached the busstop i saw monai with her morning slumber waving me a sweet simple hi, and then with a sudden strange reaction turned exactly opposite took up a stone(as if she will throw at me), started carving something at the mahogany bark. everytime i went close to see what the hell she intended to do, with a disgusting look she pushed me back and poor me already half asleep used to fly so back from her push that hardly could maki it the second time to see what she was doing, im sure i would have said

"poor mahogany, had to deal with this mad girl that too 7 in the morning"

her bus arrived she threw the stone and without looking once at me boarded the bus.

"whatta snob(certainly sure was my reaction)"

since she was no where in sight, i went close to see what she did and i read

"jui's first moarning bus... goodmoarning goodmoarning.....7 septembur"

well that was her when she was 4, weird and unpredictable!

I laughed and laughed, and i even saw that while i was returning from my picninc that day. something made me happy, may be just the feeling that you were important to someone. may be just to know that someone bothered to know ur firsts and lasts. time rolled on... we grew up, as like the mahagony tree, our dosti went stronger and stronger. even when we were not sure that we are something called "friends" we knew, that we had to be together when we are scared, why was not our problem neither we thought of it. we simply knew it!

this was 2nd december 1992 during the babri masjid riots, since we used to live at the corner most bhel quarter, we were suggested to stay with some other family those who are more inside the colony, our first choice was with monai's family....We both sat still not knowing what is happening, why people are being killed...as we were dressing up our barbies she being her looked strange at me and asked

"jui muslims are killing kisko?"

I being the better nerd answered

"i think muslims are killing muslims only (i dint knw the word hindu existed then :))"

she looked at me for a long time, then took up her barbie and started weeping. I kept on asking "what happend? telme telme"

and there she was

"if my barbie would have been a muslim they would kill her also?"

and i sighed feeling sorry for the great theory of "muslims killing muslims" which i deviced...

but that was monai when she was 6, sensitive and caring"

life moved on, with innumerable memories of us being together. we had fights, sometimes such that really worried me whether we will talk again or not, but with all the faith in my heart i somehow realised that even if i get lowest in my math class, even if say a million "katti's", even if i break her kitchen set...she will always remain my friend.....these very questions changed with time and today with all the faith in my heart i knw that even if i fail to achieve what i want, even if i do things that are unforgivable, even when il sound the most unrealistic person on the earth...she will always be with me...she will always believe in my dreams...she being her will always say "im there"

In no time she would be moving to a differnt city, to make her dream a reality and as the time falls short we decided that today we will sit and just talk. our time passed like anything...with evry single word i wanted to tell her that she was my second sister or rather god friend...just like people have god mothers and fathers...guess I was blessed with one extra god friend who being the most practical person still understands how it feels when heart breaks...who just calls to ask

"tu theek to hai aaj"

who out of nowhere will bang into your house with a big Hiiiiiiii..... and will gift you with little little gifts just to see your expression to surpises :)

who will at 3 in the night with droopy eyes, will cook awesome food just to see if you aint hungry

who at every step, whether you are wrong or right...whether you are good or bad...whether you are sad or happy will stand by you and say

"im there, im always there"

well that was monai at 20, charming and emotional, practical and strong. daring and happy. yes that was her a bundle of extreme opposites, just like how u bunch a million multicoloured flowers together with one big red ribbon.

as we met somewhere out for our so called last treat together, time swooshed away like anything...i could see the glitter in her eyes for she is moving out.....to a brand new city, a brand new college....for she was finally going to achieve her dream...i wanted to talk and talk and talk...but it came to an end.....just like everything our "fun" had to end...and today was its begining...as she drove off...i felt like running behind her ...just like she did behind my cycle......keeping the hope that she might go into unknown places...bigger cities...empty roads and find no one....if she turns back .... she would see me..,,,guess i just wanted to tell her that if someday she is lost her best friend is there.

as she went today I questioned probably for the first time to God...why did you send her that day running after my bycycle....for i knw.....evrytime il be lost.....il turn back just to see if she is there.....and il find no one.

well thats how you feel when u meet your third part .....way before you actually knw... you misplace it into the lost crowds.

"kahe senti, chal yaar this time had to come, and more so just think it will be so fun when we will tapofy guys those who are not bhopalis....soch to zara kitna fun hoga and baaki sabka load mat le...im there na"

will this is monai at 21.... the good,the better ...the best dosti one can ever share :)

P.s. Cheers to the night out at ur roof top, our aish at my sisters wedding...our tapofy frustations after all those "ahem ahem" objectionable disasters..and finally to that citycenter potato whatever that was :P ...cheers to everything.....cheers to our life budy :)

Jealous of the Jordan in me......

Note: “‘Jealous of the Jordan in me’ is a usual caption used by basket ball players, a mockery to demoralize the opposite team by signifying as if the spirit of Michael Jordan has been bestowed on the speaker, as basket ball being the game more of high spirits and tricks than rules. The language of this blog is rough, as it is unedited on certain circumstances”

Never Lose!!
This was the long forgotten Tee shirt caption, one of my uncles used to wear and as like always I perked up

"Never lose what??"
"Never lose on your self" :) his anytime and anywhere ready made chuckle....all that I did see then...and did not realize what he said!

I was so young that school, fights, basket ball practice and bike rides made my life complete. Guess I didn’t desire for anything more...as I hardly could find time for doing anything else, life moved on from ground floor to the roof top and while I was at the threshold to cross each staircase I had an interaction with what one calls as "Never Lose" or to be more precise "Never Lose on yourself"



“That Game”
2002 New Delhi, at the south Delhi stadium (Carmel)

We were scheduled for the first match with chandigarh...

“Those fat holes...Gawd they don just slam-dunk they literally slam bunk, bunk and bunk!!!!...as in these guys are worth all the space on earth for cheese, butter and every damn fattening thing. How can they play and that too so damn good"

I exactly remember the conversation coz one weirdo desired to record it with her being the only cell phone on board :)"

"That game" started.....with 5 of chandigarh girls equating each one of them to two, we were like those small insignificant bumble bee's who can hardly breathe...anyway...."that game" where we were badly losing to (8,0).....pathetic was the word for us....since hardly any of us could perform...after the second better half we were lagging 2 behind...all tired of their missed bangs and mis-tackling the wrong person we were short of those two damned shots. Anshi the corner defender missed one precious shot and I howled...

"What the heck yar...u think that bloody clock would stop for us"
She infuriated
"Okay u damn....u try this time ...as if these aces are all waiting for my slam dunk"

Coaches called for immediate time out (while basket ball matches...one avoids all kind of breakouts coz they usually tend to be bad mouthing and time wastage"
As I reached, our captain was almost bloating on me, throwing ten better slang’s each time I dared open my mouth.....and not to forget Anshi was brutally quarantined for she missed it...every one was high on their own anger quotients....30 seconds left to start of the last 5 minutes of "that game" and our captain looks down....breathing.

“You know what your problem is; each of u has lost on yourself. You guys have accepted defeat, you guys are those set of good for nothing girls who are ready to shout...hey u all there look we have lost coz we were playing with fat lions and we are no more than chipmunks...but listen, I'm not ready. If I lose, I won’t show my face for tomorrows match. I give a damn for what u think, so you better get your a****s right on place and play coz if we lose. Il be the worst for u guys. So you either choose to walk off right away. Or you choose never to lose...take your call. Period."

We all went, she replaced Anshi, blowed two pretty point blank slams...I kept on watching....we were equal now, Roshi defended the chandigarh shooter.....played the ball way well than what she does and slammed again...I kept watching.....ball banged on to the chandigarh 7 number she dribbled at the speed of light, Anshi screamed from out fields..."u bloody, take that ball thing", I somehow managed to snatch and pass, somehow shooted off....slammed!! Life at peace...I kept watching…..

While we were returning our captain screamed thank you for saving my *** hope u guys do the same tomorrow...and I kept watching….

Down there Anshi was waiting for my grand welcome, I wonder how with such fluidity she can blutter out slang’s at one go....blah blah blah and blah and then with a 100 watt chuckle mutters

“Good that u did listen to me for once saved from losing your self :)"

May be that one stint was worth to know that losing is relative and is an illusion, when u know that you don’t have an option to lose out you wont! And by this I don’t mean equating losing out with failures, certainly failures do occur. But what is needed is that strength to fight back again, that strength which calls never to lose.



“Rewind”
2008 New Delhi, Apollo hospital.

Anshi was admitted for liver infection, she breathed practically every air of infection ever available on earth, so few merciful docs hoped to save her from the difficulty to breath and put her on ventilation. She survived three disgusting months to ventilate in and out of that tube which stayed stuck into thin long damnd looking throat of hers, she puked and threw every filth of her body right there where she was lying down for she did not have the time to "damn anybody", she did not have the energy to scream on top of her voice " u bloody, u damn just make me all right"....she did not have the senses to know that she was alive and vegetating on liquids. After all those innumerable pills, antibiotics, sleepless nights of her family. She woke up one morning, just to find that she has slipped into some state of body where one cannot talk, walk or eat due to extra sensitivity of her organs…..She kept watching.....her peers were worried, her mom cried whenever she looked at the lean looking figure that "just" breathed......She kept watching......doctors
made her drink through injections, inserted n number of pipes at disgusting parts of her body....she "just" kept watching.....for she could do nothing else.
But she fought, for she knew she had missed one golden chance long back at some certain match, and she did not want to miss it again.

Guess once a sport...is always a sport. To people outside living the world of sports it might sound weird or more precisely crap, but as much Iv known myself and as much I have seen when u have that adrenaline pumping your body for just one shot, you feel your own power. Not all of us do that, one being the president of any country under no circumstances can feel the power of his success just by sitting on to his chare or passing on to some ace proposals. But a warrior, a sportsman and those who live on the edge can "feel" their power to success...and the feeling is amazing....you experience it once and u crave for it for the rest of your lives.

Anshi craved for it while she lay on that hospital bed, while all of us were losing hope, she chose never to lose on herself, miraculously Anshi returned to normalcy, now she could at least sit and talk, her body weighed 28 from 21 at least more than her age of 22.

Since I was not in Delhi, I called her up…

"So you damnd, how the hell u got yourself right"

Anshi with her usual list of unmentionable slang’s at last spoke

“Thought of getting my *** at the right place, you remember that never lose 30 seconds lecture. Just thought about rewinding that again and again....and you know what, it worked…hehe....I chose never to lose :)”

This lady who barely breathed few weeks back...talked about setting life's score right, talked about choosing never to lose!! Or rather just not talked but actually she knew how, never to lose.

For you or for that person who walks by your mind as you read this losing up might be different, it’s relative for all of us. But may be someday, we all will realize that not losing up is nothing but just being the best you can at your extremes….by knowing the worst and hoping the best....and if nothing just for one moment ....dare to be yourself and you would know that its instinctive that you always chose to put your best fight when needed, its just that you never give yourself that chance to live on the edge...

Because all these people who have had near death experiences (NDE) ....all those who have done the impossible and every single woman who gives birth to a child, believes that even God chooses never to lose….So why should you!

P.s. the names are changed as desired.

A Generation Within!

Note: This article is about publishing W.A.Y.S. a college magazine, and about those people who worked for it.

"Desire is relative, Iv seen changing them into passion for some and for others it plain dries up being just another kind of a dream... A dream which never meets its reality. But when it turns into passion, it turns in to be your morpheous, it shapes you the way you should be and not the way you want to be. And in the whole process it finds what is your golden key...what is that one thing, that only you have and nobody else. Slowly, it makes you fall in love with yourself. "

Flashback :)

Someday in march, 2005

This was our first meeting, after a lot of commotion somehow all could make up for the time that was given we were four from the first year and rest all our seniors, although we all were pretty uncomfortable with all that was going on, I was on the better side for atleast I was given something do (to list all that has to be done in the next meeting) than the rest of firsties who were just suppose to sit and listen. Anyway as it went, I could hardly find anything worth "interesting" that would make me work for W.A.Y.S., my college editorial board.

somehow as days passed we(the firsties) were being called at ungodly hours to do the errands, write fix and match stuff such as one liners, fillers and all that was not important or which people hardly read. We hardly being selected, somehow realised that we were not so "important" in this league of people, who by some lable were tagged as elite. may be cz they could just make through campus selections or good B schools or may be they were the only worthwhile lot that our college had. anyway I wasnt sure off, untill the day arrived!

the day which fueld something in me...which lasts till date. something which for the first time made me realise that "may be" this is where I belong. On a sunday afternoon mid 3'0 clock i was being called up at the infamous "sky computers" where the so called Ed-board used to eat, sleep and drink. being that "faithfull" firstie i went running and slogging to reach at the exact time I was given. As I entered I could see two of my seniors looking morbidly into one PC which did something called as "typesetting" (had hardly heard of that word till then :)) as I walked in the scene went...

Adit sir: Debashree, WAYS ke liye poem likhni hai (have to write a poem for the mag) okay?

Debashree: Okay sir, il try and will give you

Adit sir (looking as if its normal) : Now, in ten minutes!

Debashree: what!!!now?? a poem? just like that?

..all looking weirdly at each other..

Any how I sat writing something, which even I wasnt sure of what it would turn out to be. and melting everything I had inside I wrote something which I was very proud off (thinking Iv masterd being an editor) proudly as I went showing it to my seniors.... the reply was...

"this is really bad, really really bad" with all the effort I could muster up, I sat again trying my so called writing skills at high....second try...another failure!

And then one amongst those two seniors comes and says something like this, "see we are all passionate about this thing. I hope you understand that. we work for it because we believe in it. and writing something for it means taking out that feeling which stays in all of us. so while you write, make sure you dont write it for yourself, write it for all of "us", write it for the edboard!"

I dont know what struck me that day, was it those words "writing it for the ed board" or was it the way that one of those eddies said it to me... Im still confused, but something in me was awakend. although W.A.Y.S. was not something created by me, neither I was a hardcore editor till then. But right in between those words and the way it was said I realised that one day I would want to have that same passion in me when I would talk about "ed-board". May be an Insignificant spark was born.

Years passed, from being a firstie... we four went to become thirdies. Where no more we were said to listen to something, we were asked of how would we like it to be. Where we did not work at ungodly hours because we were being called up, but we worked at those hours because rest all were occupied by our coachings, classes and all that stood important second to our magazine. Till then that small, insignificant spark did catch up being a fire in itself.

This was another evening at the "sky computers", the whole edboard was buzzing with something or the other as the mag was about to go for prints.... one of the then fourthies was jogging round the room, all to pacify his anxiety for the mag to go for prints...and then suddenly turning towards me speaks:

Prakhar sir: Debashree, we have to write an ending for our mag. something which would define evrything!

Debashree: (reading in mind "something which would define everything") Okay sir, Il try.

Once agian I was in a fix, to write something that has to be good and practically with no time to think...I took up one corner and for five seconds my brain was shutoff and I questioned "what if it would have been my magazine?" I got my answer, the same that I had the day when I was told to write "for the ed-board" and not just for me. I realised that this dream is just not mine, it was of somebody... it is of somebody and one day it will be mine. I wrote something and 2007 mag went for a roll....I could still see those tears of our then senior while that mag was being released. Something that made me realise that may be its time that the insignificant fire in me starts burning, so that one day I can feel and fathom the same.

Now, 26th april 2008

The time has come, that small fire was burning so bright that each passing day as our team worked, I could feel that same passion being shared by all four of us. Evry single night that boys of our team spent working at prints, Everysingle fight, heated arguments over articles and not meeting deadlines, differences over opinions, workloads, over the top fund raising crunch and not to forget working, working day in day out just for the sake that the fire that burns in all of us dosnt fades out, almost evry single damn thing that can happen in this world of publishing a magazine took over us. Working for mag went about being a synonym to sleeping and drinking...

I could feel the same commotion on the last days at the prints that I felt three years back on my first meeting, we forthies and two of the thirdies were working on the final stuffs, last moment editions, typesetting, coral draw mal functions, PC's getting over loaded and not working(almost dieing), few hot samosas, one big bottle of fanta( as Prateek dosnt take anything thats black ;)), laughing at Yash for his arbit nonsensical jokes, laughing at abhijeet and vivek for creating W.A.Y.S. 'incorporation', offering Almaas( the little boy at prints who was a dude at type setting) to drink from the same bottle of fanta as we were drinking......almost evrything that was a crap to the outer world was the last burning flame of the passion named Ed-board to me, yash, sonal and prateek. we were living its last, our desire to publish a magazine which was ignited by few of our seniors and slowly passed on to us had turned out to be a dream that was meeting its reality for the first time.

we were lucky for we could live our own dream, not many of us are that lucky. We were lucky for beyond all odds, WAYS 2008 was on roll.

One evening 7:30 pm GEC, as I and vivek( one of the thirdies) were waiting for some magazine work, I spoke something about how one should feel for mag...and while I was speaking...I realised that I was passing on the same passion that someone did to me....I was silently passing on the dream of W.A.Y.S. 2009 to the future of tomorrow.

The magazine still awating to be printed, today I realise that may be someday, four of us would be passionate in the same way for something else... I realised that may be Edboard was the best thing that could have happend to few us in the past four years. For its not me nor you, nor any one person who has made this reality, true to its name its we and you together that we have made it a success.

A success to awaken the sleeping generation in all of us!

P.s. Ed-Board 2004-2005 Adit Sharma sir, Ritwick sir, Nimkee mam

Ed-Board 2005-2006 Abhinav Sharma sir, Suniel sir, Vibhaas sir

Ed-Board 2006-2007 Prakhar sir, Kartikey sir, Shailja mam, Teena mam, Shweta mam

Ed- Board 2007-2008 Akshat, Debashree, Prateek, Sonal, Sania, Yash, Abhijeet, Devansh, Vivek, Poorna, Dhananjai, Kalyani, Abhilasha, Aditya, Ankit, Kartik, Shubha, Shruti, Navtej, Neelabh, Shashank, Rashmi, Ankita, Priyanka and all those who were a part of us!

In the temple of my heart...

Something happened two days back, something which I can call as one of the biggest days of my life. No, I didn’t achieve any thing neither did I lose. May be I just realized few things or may be I just lived myself for that day!

I went for an interview for one of the MBA colleges. No, that wasn’t big enough to make that day great. It was usual, I was anxious as everybody else was, I was nervous for somehow I did not “fit” in there. But I guess nobody “fitted” there, everybody just tried to fix in. so all the while I waited for my interview call, a girl sat beside me for she was slated to go right after me in the same panel. And we had a conversation, something like this…

Girl: Hi, you look nervous!
I: Do I? But I don’t feel so J (A fake smile)
Girl: so are you prepared?
I: well (pause), No
Girl: (looking absurdly) okay, but then I guess you must be confident J
I: well (pause), No
Girl: (could hardly fake a smile) I hope you make it!
I: You do? Really? (God knows why the hell I asked that question)
Girl: (just a smile this time)
I: I don’t thing anybody out here wants anybody else to “make in”
Girl: (as if watching a deaf man talking), All the best!
I: Thank you (I forgot to wish her back, didn’t know whether I really wanted to!!)


I was called in, was thrown up with few uncomfortable questions or rather few questions which I couldn’t answer. I messed up, for all the time I wasn’t given the time for answering. I wished if I could somehow tell that person that I have come here to show you what I’m made off, my parents back thousand miles pray for me, my close friends are worried about me and here I am losing my chance just to talk! My interview was over and I walked out. For the first time I was walking out of something demoralized, weird and coy.

As I picked up my bag, my cell buzzed…
An old friend of mine (with whom I had practically no contact since past four years after school) messaged me

“Hey miss sunshine, how’s you. I came to know that this is your the big day
So just go and do it babe… show them what you are made up off.
Yours
Tichchy”

I kept my cell back, started walking off the corridor and I realized that since this morning, there was no single time that I was pretentious. I didn’t fake; I didn’t try and act smart. I realized that when I didn’t wish that girl sitting by my side good luck it was because I didn’t want to. I realized that my interview was not good, because may be I’m not that good.
And may be its time I realize that all those people who prayed for me, wished me from far lands just so that I make it big. I might actually not deserve it. I was feeling low and was being intolerant. I called back at that number from which tichchy messaged me.
After a long time someone picked up
She was over enthusiastic when she heard me; she hoped that I did perform real good…
Since we were talking almost after 4 years, it was something great for both of us. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I messed it up. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I may not be that good. So I kept the phone down and messaged her…

“yar I tried telling you…that I didn’t perform well inside. Thanks that you took the initiative to know about me, what I’m doing, where I am…after such a long time. But I guess I’ll have to let u guys down. I just didn’t do well. I wasn’t that smart to fake out answers which I could easily do at some place else. I just didn’t try to be somebody else and may be that’s why it didn’t go well”

She didn’t call back, may be coz she knew me better than I did myself…she just wrote

“Babe, you know what’s best. That you had the courage to face something which you did know is going wrong…and I’m sure just like our old days… you come down to your real self when things go harder. Don’t worry babes. You were great, may be not for those guys but for yourself, for us. Because you, were just you. And don’t you worry about us. We were. We are and we will be proud of you. Not because some certain interview you messed up, but because you were strong to learn that you were not good”

I was walking with my friend back to the outside gates and I was watching all those people, who were trying to be somebody else, trying to be their best, trying to outsmart the person sitting right besides them. They all were ‘trying’ to dig deep inside and find their own sunshine. And when they realize that they don’t have it, they tried faking it. Every single person around me was masking something or the other, my friend did, that girl out there did and may be I did till the moment I stepped inside that corridor and now I was walking out of it. But for the first time I dared to be myself, no matter how much weird, rude, illogical or dumb I was. I was just myself.
I might have lost the chance to be somebody and win the bet. I didn’t and I don’t know why.
Something struck me, that of everything I’m made off; I won’t be a farce like the rest hundred. I won’t be jealous of someone for she can fake better than me. I won’t be a pseudo namesake. I’ll be what I am and may be someday I’ll win the game just being who I am. May be someday I wont have to “think” of an answer when I would be asked what I want to be. May be someday I wont have to be a floated balloon which will burst into its miniscule with just a pin prick. May be someday I’ll be my own god.

I don’t know whether I’ll pass or fail that interview test. But I certainly know that I can be myself even when I’ll be dead because of it. I certainly know that deep down south of my heart I have that burning sunshine.

Somewhere I read

“To be visible, just burn your self”

Now I certainly know that I’m proud of myself for what I am, beyond success…beyond failures!